I’m numb, both literally and figuratively, and not comfortably.<\/p>\n
Mama said there’d be days like this, when the best laid plans go to waste.<\/p>\n
Yes, plans. I have a birthday routine. Langer’s, a movie and a hot fudge sundae.<\/p>\n
It hearkens back to ’77, when I went with my girlfriend to the aforementioned home of America’s best pastrami sandwich and then to C.C. Brown’s and “Annie Hall.” A perfect trio that I’ve repeated ever since. But not today.<\/p>\n
So where does this story begin?<\/p>\n
Let’s call it the Counter. The overpriced burger joint with too loud music with amazing fries and rings, it’s where I go when I’ve had a bad day and I want to reward myself, yes, some use alcohol, I use food.<\/p>\n
And I’m biting down on a soft burger, they employ pre-made patties, which is a mistake, and…<\/p>\n
UGH!<\/p>\n
I’d just had my teeth cleaned. By a woman who thought she was scraping graffiti from the subway, despite labeling me an excellent flosser. And now…there was a tooth that was moving in two directions at once…IMPOSSIBLE!<\/p>\n
So, like a good boy who was brought up by a mother who believed it was illegal to be ill, I ignored it. That’s what happens if you don’t succumb to pain, it goes away. Unless it doesn’t.<\/p>\n
And then you end up in the hospital. That happened to me.<\/p>\n
But maybe the hygienist just tweaked a nerve, the pain would go away, the same way the pain from LAST YEAR’S April break did.<\/p>\n
That’s right, my teeth are crumbling. Well, cracking to be exact. After not having a cavity since my teens, being proud of my rock hard teeth, they suddenly decided to give up the ghost. I’ve sworn off trail mix, my favorite food, but still…they’re going.<\/p>\n
So I’m in Utah a week later, and I bite down on some jerky…<\/p>\n
I know, bad choice, but I hadn’t eaten in hours, and I feel this sensitivity.<\/p>\n
And then I got to wonder…what if this tooth decided to announce itself in Oslo?<\/p>\n
It didn’t.<\/p>\n
It waited until last night, at our reunion seder, when I bit down on some salmon and…<\/p>\n
That’s right, salmon, from Costco, soft and flaky. Suddenly, my birthday plans were in jeopardy.<\/p>\n
To say I didn’t sleep soundly is an understatement. You’ve got to go to the dentist immediately if you have sensitivity when you drink, but I didn’t, so I didn’t pull the emergency cord, which I’m always afraid to do, afraid to be judged by the provider, hell, I’m always worried when I show up they’ll give me a hard time, claiming I’m a pussy and there’s nothing wrong.<\/p>\n
But not this time.<\/p>\n
I was ringing them before they were there. I wanted to get in. I wanted to save the day.<\/p>\n
But I didn’t.<\/p>\n
They wondered if I could come TOMORROW!<\/p>\n
No f’ing way. I can’t EAT!<\/p>\n
Okay, I’ll come at 4:30.<\/p>\n
And what did I do all day?<\/p>\n
Read, and watched the minutes tick by on my iPhone. I was in a state of suspended animation, celebrating my birthday didn’t even enter my mind.<\/p>\n
And at first the dentist can’t find the spot. Because I think it’s a tooth that had previous work, it all made sense to me, that the hygienist tweaked a preexisting condition.<\/p>\n
But he thought differently. I had to bite down on wood twice to convince myself that another virgin tooth had decided to go.<\/p>\n
But how deep was the crack?<\/p>\n
This ain’t no amateur dentist. He’s not going by guesswork. He wonders if I have time to walk a few blocks to the endodontist. I’VE GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD, I’VE ALREADY BLOWN MY BIRTHDAY!<\/p>\n
So I walk over to Bedford and I’m waiting and waiting and waiting, which means if nothing’s wrong I won’t have time to go back to the dentist and get the crown I crave and…<\/p>\n
Finally I’m seen by a mad scientist who resembles no one as much as John Turturro. Someone so caught up in his work he’s giving me detail I’d only need if I went to dental school, which I love, I’m all about information.<\/p>\n
And he dives in and says…<\/p>\n
We’ve got to go deeper, he needs to shoot me up, and after doing this, he reaches down and removes half of my pearly white and announces that not only do I need a root canal, but probably gum surgery too.<\/p>\n
HUH?<\/p>\n
And how does he know this dentist anyway, he looks like he just graduated from school.<\/p>\n
BECAUSE HE USES A MICROSCOPE!<\/p>\n
That’s right, in the last five years there’s been a revolution in endodontics. Either you peer through the microscope or you’re history.<\/p>\n
And I’m peeing and texting, waiting for my turn as the minutes tick by, and then I’m in a scene from “Marathon Man,” only much shorter than the last time I had a root canal. I’m running sexual fantasies in my brain, trying to distract myself from the droning of the drill, and then…it’s done.<\/p>\n
So I’ve got an appointment at the dentist tomorrow at 9 AM, to see if he can execute a crown or whether I need that aforementioned gum surgery first, since the tooth broke below the line.<\/p>\n
And I’m wondering how life plays out…<\/p>\n
Is this my future?<\/p>\n
I mean I can bang the bumps on the South Rim no problem, but body parts I never think about are saying NO MAS and my best laid plans are jumping the rails.<\/p>\n
So, I want to thank all the people who e-mailed, called, tweeted and texted me birthday wishes, I truly appreciate it.<\/p>\n
But it hasn’t been a very happy birthday.<\/p>\n
But I’m afraid of appearing ungrateful, not responding.<\/p>\n
So let the foregoing be my explanation, my excuse.<\/p>\n
P.S. The endodontist told me to tell anybody who said I had a big mouth that I didn’t, he’d been inside, he could testify… And I didn’t even tell him I was a writer!<\/p>\n
P.P.S. The endodontist told me twice that it was an EMERGENCY! And he doubted if I’d come in a month earlier, when I first felt the pain, that the result would have been any different. So, I guess that’s my big birthday gift…JUSTIFICATION!<\/p>\n
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