I watched last night, for the very first time.<\/p>\n
Oh, I’d seen segments of the show, but I’d never parked my ass on the couch and endured the whole damn thing, live.<\/p>\n
God, there are A LOT of commercials.\u00c2\u00a0 What a sixties business model, in the twenty first century.\u00c2\u00a0 A performer, a block of commercials…it was INTERMINABLE!<\/p>\n
And I’d like to say the show itself was riveting, but after about half an hour, and it was a two hour installment, I remembered why I gave up on TV.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s like watching paint dry, it’s for people who have no life, who wish they had a group of people to hang out with.<\/p>\n
Then again, the show debuts when it’s COLD in most of the country.\u00c2\u00a0 Would I want to dress up and get in my car and drive across town to the bar on a wintry night?\u00c2\u00a0 Mmm…\u00c2\u00a0 I can understand why people stay home, order a pizza and sit in front of the tube.<\/p>\n
Now, having endured the whole affair, I can say with authority that the star of the show is not one of the contestants, or the music, but Simon Cowell.\u00c2\u00a0 Not only is he honest, he doesn’t give a flying fuck what anybody thinks.\u00c2\u00a0 In other words, he’s a ROCK STAR!\u00c2\u00a0 Yes, Simon Cowell is a man of his convictions.\u00c2\u00a0 Viewers are more interested in emulating him than the wannabe talent who end up with evanescent careers at best.<\/p>\n
Randy Jackson has worked at a record company too long.\u00c2\u00a0 He gives phony retorts and is rarely honest.\u00c2\u00a0 I wouldn’t trust him in the office, and I wouldn’t trust him with my career.<\/p>\n
And Paula Abdul?\u00c2\u00a0 What a genius stroke of casting.\u00c2\u00a0 She’s such an airhead, so out of it, so bland as to illustrate why the music business is in the dumper.\u00c2\u00a0 Yes, in case you forgot, Paula Abdul was once a star.\u00c2\u00a0 A manufactured star.\u00c2\u00a0 They melded her flat voice with tracks and sold the result with dancing videos.\u00c2\u00a0 I ask you, what does dancing have to do with music?\u00c2\u00a0 You wonder why people gave up on mainstream music?\u00c2\u00a0 All you have to do is watch Paula.\u00c2\u00a0 Because it got worse after her brief reign at the top of the charts.\u00c2\u00a0 We got ever younger, ever cuter, ever less-talented people sold to us like they were the second coming.\u00c2\u00a0 You didn’t want to hear a thing they had to say, they were uneducated.\u00c2\u00a0 And sans opinions.\u00c2\u00a0 Hell, opinions might alienate sponsors.\u00c2\u00a0 And the labels liked their artists bland, so they were putty in their hands, so they could be molded for every photo op and publicity opportunity.<\/p>\n
But it’s not only the pop stars.\u00c2\u00a0 How about that Katie Couric.\u00c2\u00a0 She’s just as phony as Britney.\u00c2\u00a0 Well, Britney’s become a bit more honest now that she’s fighting for her sobriety and her sanity.\u00c2\u00a0 Every talking head on television is full of shit.\u00c2\u00a0 We revere Tony Soprano, he seems more real than anybody reading the news or spouting an opinion.\u00c2\u00a0 Everybody’s playing to some theoretical person who doesn’t exist.\u00c2\u00a0 One who is offended by sexual language but wants to view hot bodies in scanty clothing.\u00c2\u00a0 One who wants to drink and gamble, but go to church every Sunday.\u00c2\u00a0 One who wants to be rich, but really is just a family man.\u00c2\u00a0 That’s too many contradictions for one person.\u00c2\u00a0 Sure, people are complicated, but they respond to truth and humanity first and foremost.\u00c2\u00a0 But our whole country is fake.\u00c2\u00a0 Full of lies.\u00c2\u00a0 Played to the camera.<\/p>\n
Except for this curious Simon.\u00c2\u00a0 This Brit doesn’t dress up, doesn’t know you need a suit to be on television.\u00c2\u00a0 And not only does he speak the truth about the performers, telling them that they suck, using metaphors that truly convey how terrible they are, he doesn’t make nice with either the aforementioned Paula or the host, Ryan Seacrest.<\/p>\n
What do you learn about Ryan Seacrest watching "American Idol"?\u00c2\u00a0 That he’s short.\u00c2\u00a0 As for his identity, his personality, you get not a whit, not a hit of it.\u00c2\u00a0 I mean Dick Clark ascended in the national consciousness nearly half a century ago, a completely different era.\u00c2\u00a0 Bland might have worked back then.\u00c2\u00a0 But when Websites show Britney’s cesarean scar, can’t Ryan Seacrest reveal ANYTHING about himself?\u00c2\u00a0 Any real truth, any hooks we can grab on to with our velcro loops?<\/p>\n
Yet this bland cipher ascends the TV hierarchy.\u00c2\u00a0 Where if you’re milquetoast, if you do nothing to offend anybody, if you’ve got whitened teeth and a nice smile, you go to the head of the class.<\/p>\n
It’s astounding how bad some of the final eleven performers were.\u00c2\u00a0 You don’t need the judges to tell you they’re crap, YOU KNOW IT!\u00c2\u00a0 So, you give a pass to the couple of women with talent, Lakisha and Melinda, and then pick favorites based on how pathetic, how needy the rest are.\u00c2\u00a0 The fat guy?\u00c2\u00a0 I’m down with him, America needs a fat hero, one who isn’t interested in going on "Celebrity Fit Club" and isn’t fishing for a contract with Jenny Craig.\u00c2\u00a0 Hey, I think that’s why Ruben won.<\/p>\n
And the insecure.\u00c2\u00a0 Insecurity plays well on TV.\u00c2\u00a0 Remember "Queen For A Day"?\u00c2\u00a0 If you’re a loser, we love you.\u00c2\u00a0 You represent us, vs. them.\u00c2\u00a0 Those people who control our media, who make us feel inadequate.<\/p>\n
And then there’s the music.<\/p>\n
Last night it was British Invasion night.<\/p>\n
It was astounding how they could eviscerate all the soul from the peak era of modern music.\u00c2\u00a0 How the creativity and the excitement of that era could be replaced by limited talent hacks who don’t know that it’s less about Mariah pipes than how you sell it, how you deliver it.<\/p>\n
God, Peter Noone went on about that.<\/p>\n
Lulu?\u00c2\u00a0 She had some good advice too, but she was so angling for a comeback that it was creepy.\u00c2\u00a0 Being ON the show is enough Lulu.\u00c2\u00a0 Don’t try to sell yourself, you just look desperate.<\/p>\n
You knew pretty instantly who had it and who didn’t.<\/p>\n
It was kind of astounding that after combing America they came up with so little talent.<\/p>\n
But Randy and Paula were charitable when no charity was appropriate.\u00c2\u00a0 You ruin a Zombies song, you should go straight to hell.\u00c2\u00a0 Those records were HAUNTING!\u00c2\u00a0 They weren’t EXERCISES!<\/p>\n
And the version of "Tobacco Road"?\u00c2\u00a0 Positively EXECRABLE!<\/p>\n
But the excitement came in waiting for Simon’s critique.<\/p>\n
Actually, I figured he’d be more negative.\u00c2\u00a0 But he rations his bile.\u00c2\u00a0 And when it comes out, and the audience boos, he doesn’t break character, he doesn’t play to the crowd, he just keeps on with his honesty.\u00c2\u00a0 God, I wish I were so good.<\/p>\n
Yes, it’s a special skill to stay the course when the public is throwing spears at you.\u00c2\u00a0 But if you know you’re right, you should stick to your guns.\u00c2\u00a0 Simon sticks to his guns.<\/p>\n
And why shouldn’t he?\u00c2\u00a0 This might be a television show, but he’s got a lot on the line.\u00c2\u00a0 He’s got to sell the winner.\u00c2\u00a0 Yup, this isn’t just a TV show for him, he needs someone who can make it.\u00c2\u00a0 And most contestants can’t.<\/p>\n
How long will Simon’s act play?<\/p>\n
Well, "Bonanza" wasn’t on forever.\u00c2\u00a0 And the "O.C." was cancelled after just a couple of seasons.\u00c2\u00a0 He’s carrying the whole damn show.\u00c2\u00a0 There’s not enough of him, and the rest is so smarmy you want to wipe yourself when it’s done.<\/p>\n
Then again, they sing good songs.<\/p>\n
They’re not rapping on "American Idol".\u00c2\u00a0 And they’re not doing much dancing.\u00c2\u00a0 Hell, you know they would do both if they’d sell.\u00c2\u00a0 But American doesn’t want to see it.<\/p>\n
Major labels.\u00c2\u00a0 Hip prognosticators.\u00c2\u00a0 Major magazines and newspapers.\u00c2\u00a0 They keep saying it’s a hip-hop nation, that rap drives the culture.\u00c2\u00a0 Well, Jay-Z might have just made a deal with Budweiser, but he can’t sell a fucking record.<\/p>\n
When it comes to music, it’s about songs.\u00c2\u00a0 Stuff you can sing at home.\u00c2\u00a0 You can’t sing those rap hits at home.<\/p>\n
All good songs, all the time.\u00c2\u00a0 You can’t get this quality of material ANYWHERE ELSE on television.\u00c2\u00a0 THIS is our American value.\u00c2\u00a0 Our great music.\u00c2\u00a0 Writing songs that touch the heart, that you want to hear for the rest of your life, those are goals absent not only in the halls of major labels, but the offices of songwriter hacks.\u00c2\u00a0 All playing to a lowest common denominator that doesn’t exist, just like the TV networks and movie studios.<\/p>\n
This Internet.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s not only gonna bust up the major label, network and studio cartels, it’s going to usher in an era of creativity and QUALITY!\u00c2\u00a0 Because those creating outside the system don’t want to waste time compromising for limited sales.\u00c2\u00a0 Yes, right now there’s limited distribution and limited marketing of independent projects.\u00c2\u00a0 But that’s gonna change, when people see how uncompromised and good this new, outside the system stuff is.<\/p>\n
But until then, if you want a music hit, don’t listen to Top Forty radio, don’t watch MTV, watch "American Idol", it’s closer to the real thing than ANYTHING exhibited on those outlets.<\/p>\n
And if you’re a wannabe star, don’t watch what’s on stage on this show, watch Simon, emulate him, despite the catcalls, we resonate with him.\u00c2\u00a0 We want to hang with Simon, we want to have sex with Simon.\u00c2\u00a0 We want to KNOW Simon.\u00c2\u00a0 We don’t want ANYTHING to do with the cadre of fake acts foisted on us by the usual suspects.\u00c2\u00a0 God, how much time do you want to spend with even a rehabilitated Britney Spears?<\/p>\n
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