So what’s the policy on talking in the bathroom?\u00c2\u00a0 I don’t mean with a buddy, I mean IN THE STALL!<\/p>\n
I’ll admit it, I do occasionally speak and shit.\u00c2\u00a0 But IN MY OWN HOUSE!\u00c2\u00a0 And I’ll check my BlackBerry in a public stall, but TALK?\u00c2\u00a0 I mean I’m sitting down doing my business in LAX and the guy next to me is dumping and dialing.\u00c2\u00a0 Shouldn’t there be a RULE?<\/p>\n
The pilot said they were gonna leave EARLY!\u00c2\u00a0 Because of the 100 MPH headwinds.\u00c2\u00a0 But it was gonna be a smooth ride.\u00c2\u00a0 HUH?\u00c2\u00a0 The only time I’ve been on a bumpier flight is when I flew through a tornado.\u00c2\u00a0 I mean I’ve got to take a pee (I’ve got the bladder of a squirrel) and I get up from my seat and the belted-in flight attendant FREAKS OUT!\u00c2\u00a0 But protesting that I’ve got to go, she looks me in the eye and tells me to be CAREFUL!\u00c2\u00a0 And as I’m standing in the loo, holding on for dear life, I realize why they say professional fliers always stay buckled up.\u00c2\u00a0 I can truly see myself hitting the ceiling, never mind peeing.\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, I eventually dribbled something out, but I haven’t been this frightened since the tram at Snowbird got a mouse in its electrical parts and kept jerking on and off, swaying a zillion feet in the air.<\/p>\n
And then it’s time to touch down.\u00c2\u00a0 And the nose of the plane is higher than the tail.\u00c2\u00a0 MUCH higher.\u00c2\u00a0 This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.\u00c2\u00a0 And we’re bouncing around.\u00c2\u00a0 And then suddenly we BUMP, and we start sliding from side to side, we’re DOWN!\u00c2\u00a0 But looking out the window I see no runway, only SNOW!<\/p>\n
I thought they cleaned the runway before you landed.\u00c2\u00a0 I never land on snow in Aspen.\u00c2\u00a0 But before visions of twisting and sliding off the tarmac come fully into my mind’s eye we slow to a crawl.\u00c2\u00a0 Whereupon the pilot announces we’re gonna fly by an A380 on its world tour.\u00c2\u00a0 You know, the Airbus, the world’s largest plane.\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, it doesn’t look that much bigger than a 747 until you notice there are TWO rows of windows, that it looks like the fuselage ate an A320, or a 737.<\/p>\n
And it’s snowing and blowing, flakes entering the jetway, but finally I’m on terra firma.\u00c2\u00a0 And after checking in with Graham Nash’s immigration man, actually a woman, in a BULLETPROOF VEST, this guy accosts me.\u00c2\u00a0 He’s here for the conference too.\u00c2\u00a0 He’s a little TOO friendly until I finally find out he’s a Canadian.\u00c2\u00a0 Really, Canadians are the antidote to uptight Americans.\u00c2\u00a0 They TALK!\u00c2\u00a0 And this Paul Faberman recited his history, from IRS to EMI to Fox to Celine.\u00c2\u00a0 Yup, he handles Celine Dion’s business affairs.\u00c2\u00a0 And I found out when his phone rang with someone he hooked up with ducats that she’s got a throat problem, and has had to cancel a week of shows in Vegas.\u00c2\u00a0 God, no matter HOW big you get in this business are you STILL a glorified ticket agent?<\/p>\n
And we’re cruising, actually, that’s a misnomer, we’re CRAWLING through a winter wonderland.\u00c2\u00a0 Your vision of Christmas?\u00c2\u00a0 Vancouver here on November 29th is it.\u00c2\u00a0 A low ceiling, everything draped in white, it’ll make you want to live where there are seasons AGAIN!<\/p>\n
And while Jenny, the coordinator, is showing me her Walkman phone in the front seat, I hear this woman behind me, Helen, is from Stockholm.\u00c2\u00a0 No, this can’t be.\u00c2\u00a0 I just got an AWAY message last night.\u00c2\u00a0 Is the name I’ve seen in my inbox every time she takes a trip THIS PERSON??<\/p>\n
Yes, Helen McLaughlin, from V2 in Stockholm.\u00c2\u00a0 Sometimes the world is SO small.<\/p>\n
And we finally crawl up to the hotel.\u00c2\u00a0 The Sheraton Wall Centre<\/a>.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m staying in the tower you see in the picture.\u00c2\u00a0 With floor to ceiling glass walls.\u00c2\u00a0 On the 22nd floor.\u00c2\u00a0 Unfortunately, the DESK faces inside, but when I looked out, over the city, it felt like…\u00c2\u00a0 Well, I wouldn’t exactly say home, but when you grow up in snow, in winter, you have nostalgia for when it was all about what was INSIDE, as opposed to exterior L.A.<\/p>\n