Greetings from 38,000 feet.\u00c2\u00a0 Although by time I send this I will be on the ground, in D.C.\u00c2\u00a0 I’ve got this hankering to hear "Girlshapedlovedrug" by Gomez but the MP3 is on my other computer, and I haven’t synched my iPod since I added it to my iTunes library.\u00c2\u00a0 If this plane had Net access, I’d fire up a P2P service and pull it down, alas, airborne wireless availability is still on the horizon in the U.S. (but available in Europe, but the PRICE!)\u00c2\u00a0 But I’m willing to forgo Net access if they continue to disallow cell talking (JIVE TALKING, the Bee Gees would say?)\u00c2\u00a0 What the FUCK is so important on all these calls.\u00c2\u00a0 If I ruled the world people wouldn’t be able to use cell phones in public unless it was a personal emergency.\u00c2\u00a0 Then again, if I ruled the world there’d probably be a revolution, AGAINST ME!<\/p>\n
Saturday night Felice and I went to Sony Studios for the annual MTV Movie Awards.\u00c2\u00a0 The show varies, but the hang with Tom is always good, I look forward to the connection.\u00c2\u00a0 Alas, Tom e-mailed me the night before that he was tied up in New York and would be unable to attend, which was an extreme bummer, but despite having to fly solo, we drifted on down to Culver City in the summer heat to partake.<\/p>\n
Now the great thing about this show, or me attending this show, is Tom provides FULL ACCESS!\u00c2\u00a0 He even sent a limousine\/red carpet pass this year, in case we wanted to pull up and stroll the gauntlet.\u00c2\u00a0 I LOVE strolling the red carpet, but to emerge from Felice’s Lexus and hear the groans (or silence!) of the hoi polloi was just too much for someone with social anxiety to endure so we parked in the structure and walked on over to the action.<\/p>\n
First perk: our Talent passes.\u00c2\u00a0 They had a big screening station, with a list of all the accoutrements you could not take inside.\u00c2\u00a0 I thought I was going to have to go back to the car and deposit my Blackberry, since no phones were allowed, but once we flashed our passes we didn’t even have to go through the metal detector.\u00c2\u00a0 It makes one feel good in a society that’s all about the haves and the have-nots.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s good to be the king, or at least a prince, for a day (and don’t tell me in a world with constant discrimination you don’t agree…)<\/p>\n
New to the event was framed paintings of prior hosts.\u00c2\u00a0 Seemed a bit extravagant until I learned later that they were part of a skit.\u00c2\u00a0 And while observing Jack Black and Kirsten Dunst, I noticed a slew of bars, dispensing…DR. PEPPER??\u00c2\u00a0 Got to give those MTV wonks credit.\u00c2\u00a0 They find a way to monetize EVERYTHING!\u00c2\u00a0 I hoisted a glass of some newfangled cream\/cherry flavor and we took off for the red carpet.<\/p>\n
We just hit some serious turbulence.\u00c2\u00a0 On a flight that our pilot said would be smooth sailing.\u00c2\u00a0 One good bump and this old Titanium Powerbook is HISTORY!\u00c2\u00a0 MacBook Pro here I come!\u00c2\u00a0 I wasn’t playing any music, not being able to satiate my Gomez hunger, but feeling the anxiety I glanced at the tracks showing in my iTunes library and clicked on the Beach Boys’ "’Til I Die":<\/p>\n
I’m a cork on the ocean I’m floating over this great country of ours.\u00c2\u00a0 There’s still snow on the mountain peaks.\u00c2\u00a0 I remember buying "Surf’s Up" on a hot summer day at Korvette’s in Trumbull, Connecticut and then going to the Merritt Canteen for lunch.\u00c2\u00a0 Feels like yesterday.<\/p>\n So, who’d I get off on on the red carpet?<\/p>\n Will Ferrell.\u00c2\u00a0 Clothed in a NASCAR jumpsuit.\u00c2\u00a0 He and John C. Reilley were both in get-ups.\u00c2\u00a0 Obviously promoting a movie I hadn’t heard of yet and probably wouldn’t ever care to see.\u00c2\u00a0 But appearing in CHARACTER got me off.\u00c2\u00a0 I could take or leave Will on SNL, but his nude scene in "Old School" sealed the deal for me.\u00c2\u00a0 In a land where stars are dieted down to nothingness, where the main attraction of Madonna’s tour is her buff body, it was so refreshing, so HONEST, to see an untoned male cavorting in 35mm.<\/p>\n Jessica Alba came strolling by.\u00c2\u00a0 Up close and personal, and I mean TRULY up close and personal, we literally rubbed elbows with a lot of these people, I just didn’t get it.\u00c2\u00a0 And the lame, barely above the level of homemade, tattoo she sported on the back of her neck creeped me out.\u00c2\u00a0 Couldn’t she pay somebody to REMOVE IT?<\/p>\n Owen Wilson…\u00c2\u00a0 In real life his nose is truly strange.\u00c2\u00a0 But this guy’s got an intelligent fuck you attitude that draws me to him.\u00c2\u00a0 God, wasn’t he great in that Jackie Chan movie?\u00c2\u00a0 Owen’s my kind of star.<\/p>\n But there were a bunch of people we asked the MTV escorts the identities of.\u00c2\u00a0 Makes you feel really old going to a show like this.\u00c2\u00a0 Where youth culture is on parade.<\/p>\n But then came Keanu and Sandra Bullock.\u00c2\u00a0 Keanu’s getting old.\u00c2\u00a0 Hell, Anthony Michael Hall sat near us during the show and it wasn’t until almost the END that we recognized him.\u00c2\u00a0 When the teenage stars of yore are in the neighborhood of forty you know you’ve seen if not too much, then a HELL of a lot.\u00c2\u00a0 Sandra looked good.\u00c2\u00a0 But Felice couldn’t understand her dress.\u00c2\u00a0 Watch the show and render your opinion.<\/p>\n It was blistering hot.\u00c2\u00a0 Kind of like being down on the track at Talladega.\u00c2\u00a0 Hell, one of the celebrities passed out and had to be taken away by wheelchair.\u00c2\u00a0 I wasn’t sure if he was unbelievably fucked up or having a heart attack.\u00c2\u00a0 He couldn’t even stand.\u00c2\u00a0 And when they carried him out he LOOKED dead.\u00c2\u00a0 Kind of interesting to have in your obit, then again, I didn’t recognize him so I don’t know if he’d even be WORTHY of an obit, at least one that those other than his family would read.<\/p>\n Oh, we saw a bunch more people.\u00c2\u00a0 I could look up the names, but who really cares.\u00c2\u00a0 And isn’t that just the point?\u00c2\u00a0 Celebrities are just fodder for the tabloids these days.\u00c2\u00a0 We don’t look up to them, they’re just living cartoon characters.\u00c2\u00a0 I guess those with no access would like to be up close and personal.\u00c2\u00a0 But is that changing?\u00c2\u00a0 Are we just O.D.’ed on these people?\u00c2\u00a0 Isn’t Steve Jobs a bigger hero than ANYBODY on the big screen?<\/p>\n Finally, after a healthy time spent stargazing, we ventured into the green room, or was it the NEUTROGENA room.\u00c2\u00a0 Some cosmetics company paid to host the rumpus area where the privileged snacked and drank prior to the show’s advent.\u00c2\u00a0 Food was pretty good.\u00c2\u00a0 Good shrimp.\u00c2\u00a0 But NOTHING compares to the raw bar at the Beverly Hills Hotel at the EMI Grammy party sixteen months ago.\u00c2\u00a0 If it lived in the ocean, they had it.\u00c2\u00a0 In COPIOUS amounts.<\/p>\n Our seats were sixth row, dead center.\u00c2\u00a0 Two rows in front of the biggest star I saw all evening, Brad Grey.\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, you might know him from his production credits on "The Sopranos" and "Larry Sanders", but right now he’s starring in the biggest movie in Hollywood, far bigger than "The Da Vinci Code", "The Perils Of Pellicano".\u00c2\u00a0 I’m sure Tom didn’t know Brad’s history when he hired him to run Paramount.\u00c2\u00a0 And NOW what does he do?\u00c2\u00a0 Leave this untested movie head in charge of a multi-billion dollar public enterprise, or ease him out?\u00c2\u00a0 But he probably can’t ease him out, because one of those lawyers who also used Anthony P. probably excised the morals clause from Brad’s contract.\u00c2\u00a0 And, would it hold up in court without a criminal conviction anyway?\u00c2\u00a0 Ah, this is a great subplot for the movie.<\/p>\n At the end of the row in front of us was Ali G.\u00c2\u00a0 Did you see him in that "thong" at Cannes?\u00c2\u00a0 If not, surf the Web and find a picture.\u00c2\u00a0 Utterly HYSTERICAL!<\/p>\n And right in front of us was the new Superman.\u00c2\u00a0 Not that I knew that until he was a presenter deep in the show.\u00c2\u00a0 And his flick sidekick, Kate Bosworth.\u00c2\u00a0 She was attractive in "Blue Crush", but you’ve got no IDEA how skinny these actresses (and actors too!) are in real life.\u00c2\u00a0 Rebecca Romijn’s legs were barely more than matchsticks.\u00c2\u00a0 You could beak one with an errant\u00c2\u00a0 flick of the wrist.\u00c2\u00a0 I think they should pay these people in food, obviously money is not enough.<\/p>\n For the first time ever, they shot the show out of order.\u00c2\u00a0 So the audience wouldn’t get restless during the set changes and journey out to the bathroom and make noise and…\u00c2\u00a0 So, we started with a performance by Christina Aguilera.<\/p>\n She’s got the chicken legs too.\u00c2\u00a0 And a boob job that evidences breasts that could never grow on a woman of her size.\u00c2\u00a0 But she DOES have pipes.\u00c2\u00a0 But who she’s performing for I’ll never know.\u00c2\u00a0 It was like a Broadway show.\u00c2\u00a0 And the song resembled nothing on the hit parade.\u00c2\u00a0 I saw evidence of money, talent and showmanship, but I’ve got to say WHO THE FUCK CARES???\u00c2\u00a0 Christina.\u00c2\u00a0 Study Linda Ronstadt’s career.\u00c2\u00a0 It all comes down to material.\u00c2\u00a0 And why the endless production number?\u00c2\u00a0 After all, it’s MUSIC!\u00c2\u00a0 It goes in the ears, not the eyes.\u00c2\u00a0 But the highlight of Christina’s performance was the end.\u00c2\u00a0 When Irving Azoff and his entourage, as large as that of any rapper, promptly arose from the back of the soundstage and marched out.\u00c2\u00a0 Right in front of the stage.\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, there was a pathway in the back, but the effect would have been lost.\u00c2\u00a0 As in, I’m so fucking heavy, so powerful, that I got MTV to feature my act FIRST so I can GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!<\/p>\n Then the show began.<\/p>\n If you’ve watched the Movie Awards previously, you know the highlight is the taped parody pieces.\u00c2\u00a0 Which were unfortunately lame, as they were last year.\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, what happened to the memorable clips of yore?\u00c2\u00a0 Has the formula been lost, just as it was with SNL?\u00c2\u00a0 And speaking of SNL…former Movie Awards host Jimmy Fallon took up MINUTES on screen doing one of his unfunny routines.\u00c2\u00a0 This guy’s driving headlong towards the scrapheap.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s not like he’s Andy Kaufman and his bizarre pieces have an underlying meaning, they’re just not funny.<\/p>\n But Jessica Alba…\u00c2\u00a0 WHEW!!\u00c2\u00a0 She CLOSED ME!\u00c2\u00a0 What a personality!\u00c2\u00a0 Unlike wooden hosts of the past, Jessica TOYED with the audience.\u00c2\u00a0 Engaging members all the way up till the cameras rolled for each segment.\u00c2\u00a0 She’d do shout-outs, she’d crack jokes, she’s the real deal.\u00c2\u00a0 If only she could lose the tattoo.<\/p>\n And Steve Carell’s speech was funny.\u00c2\u00a0 And I’m glad Jake Gyllenhaal won for "Brokeback Mountain", but you know you’re not supposed to take this show seriously.\u00c2\u00a0 After all, the only reason a non-winner appears is to hype a new movie.\u00c2\u00a0 Even Samuel L. Jackson.\u00c2\u00a0 God, he hyped "Snakes On A Plane" heavier, and more inappropriately, than Macy Gray hyped her new album on the Video Music Awards that year (and look what happened to it, and HER!)<\/p>\n Oh, Jim Carrey’s speech was funny.\u00c2\u00a0 But I don’t know what the angels were all about.\u00c2\u00a0 Yet there WERE a fuck of a lot of them and Will Ferrell’s reactions were priceless.\u00c2\u00a0 But if you’re not getting the feeling you had to be there, then you’re getting it right.\u00c2\u00a0 This was entertainment fodder.<\/p>\n As is MTV.<\/p>\n Isn’t it funny that we hear no hype about MTV’s impending twenty fifth anniversary?\u00c2\u00a0 Yup, on August 1st, 1981 that rocket ship blasted into space for the very first time.\u00c2\u00a0 MTV was an addiction.\u00c2\u00a0 You’d go to people’s houses just to WATCH IT!\u00c2\u00a0 We truly wanted our MTV.\u00c2\u00a0 Now?\u00c2\u00a0 I can see you shrugging your shoulders.<\/p>\n Who are these million dollar production videos for?\u00c2\u00a0 I laughed hysterically at the Shakira\/Wyclef number they featured on the almost twenty big screens that made up the set.\u00c2\u00a0 I mean who HASN’T seen the Latina bombshell shake her pussy.\u00c2\u00a0 And isn’t Wyclef a has-been?\u00c2\u00a0 God, the video resembled nothing so much as a fifties musical.\u00c2\u00a0 You can’t sell a movie musical today, but on MTV, they RULE!<\/p>\n But at least I knew who Shakira and Wyclef were.\u00c2\u00a0 As for those in the rest of the videos shown during breaks…<\/p>\n Oh, I picked out the Strokes.\u00c2\u00a0 Even T.I.\u00c2\u00a0 But then we hit a skein that were completely unrecognizable to me.\u00c2\u00a0 But what was TRULY stunning was the early twentysomethings surrounding us, the seat fillers who’d lined up in the heat to get just this close to stardom when my brethren had had enough and split, didn’t know who these people were EITHER!!\u00c2\u00a0 And didn’t seem to care.<\/p>\n Wow, could it be that mainstream media is giving a party and nobody CARES?<\/p>\n Seems like it to me.\u00c2\u00a0 Just take the list of featured artists from MTV’s Website and do a bit of canvassing.\u00c2\u00a0 I did on KLSX last night.\u00c2\u00a0 Nobody knows and nobody CARES!\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, there’s a market for Top Forty, but it’s becoming further marginalized every day.\u00c2\u00a0 The major labels think this market is all that counts.\u00c2\u00a0 Because they can’t fathom the newfangled Internet world.\u00c2\u00a0 But despite hyping these acts all over MTV (and its sister cable channels that actually DO play videos) they just don’t register with the public.<\/p>\n I could not find ONE person who knew what AFI stood for.\u00c2\u00a0 The band that closed the show.\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, they had their amps painted white and the lead singer had an asymmetrical haircut and the song wasn’t bad but really, who cares.\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, they garnered the biggest applause of the night, but was that from the seat-fillers who lined up especially to SEE THEM?\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, that shows dedication by the chosen few, but it’s a tiny flock.\u00c2\u00a0 You want evidence?\u00c2\u00a0 Show me the diamond selling acts of the past few years.\u00c2\u00a0 There’s not that big a mainstream scene.\u00c2\u00a0 Especially not for homogenized acts.<\/p>\n Still, there was one highlight.\u00c2\u00a0 Gnarls Barkley.\u00c2\u00a0 Introduced by Ali G. as CHARLES Barkley.\u00c2\u00a0 Whew does that Cee-Lo have a voice.\u00c2\u00a0 What a hit record.\u00c2\u00a0 But that’s what it is, a single.\u00c2\u00a0 I don’t find the rest of the album ANYWHERE near as good.\u00c2\u00a0 You can’t keep great tracks down, but that’s all the mainstream ever seems to have, great tracks.\u00c2\u00a0 No depth, no soul, and no real careers.\u00c2\u00a0 Just check the live business of these MTV wonders.\u00c2\u00a0 Especially after their one big year.\u00c2\u00a0 Seventies acts without hits in decades sell out arenas and the Backstreet Boys play theatres.<\/p>\n Used to be the public was ignorant.\u00c2\u00a0 Those on high, the entertainment icons, they DICTATED to the public.\u00c2\u00a0 If you think that model still exists, you’re completely out of touch.\u00c2\u00a0 Youth culture has been democratized.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s not about winners and losers, but the group.\u00c2\u00a0 They’re more interested in themselves than manufactured stars.\u00c2\u00a0 Which is probably why the reality shows on MTV get far higher ratings than music.<\/p>\n I’ve got no beef with MTV.\u00c2\u00a0 I do think the "M" should be stricken from its moniker.\u00c2\u00a0 Then again, as long as there are musical "artists" willing to sell their souls for free promotion, that’s not going to happen.\u00c2\u00a0 But music no longer lives on MTV.\u00c2\u00a0 Used to.\u00c2\u00a0 MTV drove the culture in the eighties.\u00c2\u00a0 But everything’s got a lifespan.\u00c2\u00a0 MTV is mature.\u00c2\u00a0 And that’s why they’re not hyping its age, hell, they’d lie about it if they could, to look cool, to the kids.<\/p>\n I don’t know what you take seriously in your life, what you’re passionate about.\u00c2\u00a0 Could be a sport, or your kids.\u00c2\u00a0 I hope you have something.\u00c2\u00a0 Because you just can’t believe in the old institutions any longer.\u00c2\u00a0 Does anybody even GO to the movies anymore?\u00c2\u00a0 And CD sales keep dropping.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s a new era.<\/p>\n Not that I didn’t have FUN!<\/p>\n And, as the Beatles sang, fun is the one thing that money can’t buy.<\/p>\n After AFI closed the show (and AFI stands for "A Fire Inside" according to a caller to my show last night) we strolled out into the balmy summer evening for another bite at the repast.\u00c2\u00a0 And after conversing with Kevin Spacey for a few minutes, who Felice knows from when her brother-in-law taught him to play drums for that Bobby Darin movie, we got back into her car and drove off into the darkness.<\/p>\n The MTV Movie Awards was like a pit stop at Little America.\u00c2\u00a0 That mega gas station in the middle of nowhere Wyoming.\u00c2\u00a0 You stop, squint in reaction to the bright lights, fill up and then move on.\u00c2\u00a0 Little America is not a destination, but a way station.\u00c2\u00a0 Just like today’s MTV.<\/p>\n <\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Greetings from 38,000 feet.\u00c2\u00a0 Although by time I send this I will be on the ground, in D.C.\u00c2\u00a0 I’ve got this hankering to hear "Girlshapedlovedrug" by Gomez but the MP3 is on my other computer, and I haven’t synched my iPod since I added it to my iTunes library.\u00c2\u00a0 If this plane had Net access, 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Floating over the raging sea<\/em><\/p>\n