I had a bad experience in the Caribbean.<\/p>\n
Funny thing about getting older.\u00c2\u00a0 You find out you’ve lost your skills.\u00c2\u00a0 Stuff you used to do no problem is suddenly a BIG problem.\u00c2\u00a0 I once snorkeled in Sharm El Sheik before the hotels were built.\u00c2\u00a0 Back in ’72, as Bob Seger would say.\u00c2\u00a0 This was when the Egyptian locus was in Israeli hands.\u00c2\u00a0 Before, in a peacemaking effort, they gave it back.<\/p>\n
We flew down from Tel Aviv on one of those airlines that you know no longer exists.\u00c2\u00a0 My sister gave the security guard shit, so he shot off a few frames on her camera to teach her a lesson.\u00c2\u00a0 Don’t EVER fuck with Israeli security.\u00c2\u00a0 People DIE there.\u00c2\u00a0 They tolerate no blowback.<\/p>\n
And after landing in 120 degree heat, we were shuttled to a beach.\u00c2\u00a0 With tents.\u00c2\u00a0 All I can tell you is it was so hot that I drank seven bottles of their equivalent of 7-Up and I never had to pee.<\/p>\n
But the VISTAS!\u00c2\u00a0 Whew.<\/p>\n
And about a hundred feet off shore…\u00c2\u00a0 A reef began.\u00c2\u00a0 With the best snorkeling I’ve ever experienced.\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, I was playing Diver Dan.\u00c2\u00a0 Swimming ever further out.\u00c2\u00a0 And then diving into underground caves, blowing the water out of my snorkel when I resurfaced.\u00c2\u00a0 Lifeguards?\u00c2\u00a0 Shit, I couldn’t even be SEEN from the beach.\u00c2\u00a0 Not that anybody was looking.<\/p>\n
But decades later in the Caribbean.\u00c2\u00a0 I was floating with the current.\u00c2\u00a0 A few dozen yards from shore.\u00c2\u00a0 And when I tried to get back, and my arms no longer contained the strength of youth, and I found myself stroking futilely, I started to PANIC!<\/p>\n
You know what fixin’ to die feels like?\u00c2\u00a0 After the panic subsides?\u00c2\u00a0 You can see the movie.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s unfolding in front of your very eyes.\u00c2\u00a0 You’re gonna die.\u00c2\u00a0 In this stupid little hellhole.\u00c2\u00a0 For no good reason.\u00c2\u00a0 I mean at least make it a good story.\u00c2\u00a0 Make it about a serious risk.\u00c2\u00a0 An accident.\u00c2\u00a0 But to watch yourself expire because you just can’t make it the few feet back to safety shocks you.\u00c2\u00a0 You can’t believe it ends this way.<\/p>\n
But I survived.\u00c2\u00a0 I swam to somebody else’s boat.\u00c2\u00a0 And hauled myself onto the jutting rear deck.\u00c2\u00a0 I figured if I was going to die, propriety was not an issue.\u00c2\u00a0 But even though MY boat was now only fifty or sixty feet away, I couldn’t let go, I couldn’t get started.\u00c2\u00a0 Feeling I’d just cheated death, I didn’t want to take another chance.\u00c2\u00a0 But watching the YOUNGSTERS making the journey with no effort, I finally pushed off.\u00c2\u00a0 And when I got to my boat I lifted myself aboard and laid on its floor exhausted.\u00c2\u00a0 Whether it was from physical effort or the after-effects of the panic, I’ll never know.\u00c2\u00a0 What I DO know is I’ve never gone in over my head since.\u00c2\u00a0 I need to touch bottom.\u00c2\u00a0 Unless it’s a pool.\u00c2\u00a0 And, even those freak me out a bit, if they’re large enough.<\/p>\n
But I couldn’t share this fear with anybody.\u00c2\u00a0 I didn’t want to be labeled a wimp.\u00c2\u00a0 But when Monica started waxing rhapsodically about the Aqua Safari, my stomach flipped.\u00c2\u00a0 How was I going to get OUT OF THIS?\u00c2\u00a0 Walking on the bottom of the ocean in some Mickey Mouse helmet thousands of miles from home?<\/p>\n
Then it was too late.\u00c2\u00a0 We ran across Christopher deep in the bowels of the Paul Gauguin.\u00c2\u00a0 He had a big smile on his face.\u00c2\u00a0 He’d gotten us ALL tickets for the AQUA SAFARI!<\/p>\n
I didn’t sleep well that night.<\/p>\n
Tahiti ain’t like Hawaii.\u00c2\u00a0 Not only are there no high rise hotels, the long arm of the U.S. law does not apply.\u00c2\u00a0 There are no safety regulations.\u00c2\u00a0 I was FREAKED!<\/p>\n
Which is why I wouldn’t go snorkeling while we waited for the first party to complete their underwater walk.<\/p>\n
We took the tender to Vaitape.\u00c2\u00a0 Only a five minute ride.<\/p>\n
And then, we were approached by a dead ringer for Barry Manilow.\u00c2\u00a0 Wearing a t-shirt that said MONTREAL!\u00c2\u00a0 I speak Canadian.\u00c2\u00a0 I figured I could bond.\u00c2\u00a0 Trust could be established.\u00c2\u00a0 But although Xavier had BEEN to Montreal, he was from somewhere in France.\u00c2\u00a0 And it was French that he started speaking to the couple next to me.\u00c2\u00a0 Walking them through the ropes of the Aqua Safari.\u00c2\u00a0 Oh he’d started our journey in this aluminum hulk of a speedboat, something looking like it had been made from spare parts from the junkyard, by saying it was EASY!\u00c2\u00a0 But then why did the instructions go on for five minutes?<\/p>\n
Finally, Xavier started over in English.<\/p>\n
And I’ve got all kinds of questions.\u00c2\u00a0 But when I begin asking them my brethren instantly pop up with answers.\u00c2\u00a0 Turns out they were on XAVIER’S side.\u00c2\u00a0 I couldn’t count on them.<\/p>\n
Okay.\u00c2\u00a0 This could be it.\u00c2\u00a0 The end of my life.\u00c2\u00a0 At least I’d go down in a macho fashion.<\/p>\n
Like I said, we were the second group.<\/p>\n
On some level, I wish we were the first.\u00c2\u00a0 Because the more I observed this rickety operation, the more scared I became.<\/p>\n
Far from shore, we tied the floating aluminum barge up to some fiberglass runabout that had been new in the last century.\u00c2\u00a0 Then, the islander assisting Xavier started lifting the helmets on a bizarre CRANE apparatus.\u00c2\u00a0 If they were so heavy this muscle-bound specimen couldn’t lift them, what if I had a crisis on the bottom of the ocean?\u00c2\u00a0 It’s not like I can just lift it off myself and make a mad dash for the surface.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m gonna be TRAPPED!<\/p>\n
And then those in the first group were all underwater.\u00c2\u00a0 And my crew was jumping into the surrounding liquid.\u00c2\u00a0 To do a little snorkeling while they waited.<\/p>\n
No fucking way!<\/p>\n
It’s not like there are a lot of waves a mile offshore in Bora Bora.\u00c2\u00a0 You see the coral reef blocks the ocean effects.\u00c2\u00a0 But, there WAS a current.\u00c2\u00a0 And the water was WAY over my head.\u00c2\u00a0 And with Xavier on the ocean floor, and his Tahitian buddy sleepily watching the airhoses, who was going to save me when I started to drown?<\/p>\n
And I’m feeling more inadequate as the rest of my group is flapping in the water.\u00c2\u00a0 I can barely move.<\/p>\n
And then I get that feeling.\u00c2\u00a0 Like Tupac, all eyez are on ME!\u00c2\u00a0 I’ve been revealed.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m a wimp.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m going to be labeled for all time.<\/p>\n
Better to die than to wear the chicken moniker.\u00c2\u00a0 Running on adrenaline, I donned my flippers, put on my mask and jumped off the back of the aluminum boat.<\/p>\n
Stunningly, I didn’t die.\u00c2\u00a0 I experienced a bit of agoraphobia.\u00c2\u00a0 But just as this was starting to fade, as I was gaining my bearings, as I was getting COMFORTABLE, Felice waved me back.\u00c2\u00a0 It was our turn.\u00c2\u00a0 For the Aqua Safari.<\/p>\n
Two of the girls from the first party popped up first.\u00c2\u00a0 One complained that she couldn’t get steady under the surface.\u00c2\u00a0 She had trouble walking.\u00c2\u00a0 And just as my anxiety started to rise, I noticed her compatriot, the woman shivering, had a nipple showing.<\/p>\n
It was only half a nipple.\u00c2\u00a0 Really, an areola.\u00c2\u00a0 But I’m male.\u00c2\u00a0 I couldn’t stop staring.\u00c2\u00a0 She wasn’t adjusting her bikini top.\u00c2\u00a0 It remained in full view.\u00c2\u00a0 Or half view.\u00c2\u00a0 And no matter HOW MUCH nookie we guys have gotten, we can’t resist a view of private territory.\u00c2\u00a0 And it was while I was caught up in this distraction that Ginny disappeared.<\/p>\n
I hadn’t been watching.\u00c2\u00a0 I thought the first six would come up before our seven would go down.\u00c2\u00a0 But it turns out they had a replacement system.\u00c2\u00a0 And now Ginny was underwater.<\/p>\n
Ginny didn’t care that the rules said a woman of her age needed a note from her doctor.\u00c2\u00a0 She hadn’t even expressed anxiety.\u00c2\u00a0 No, Felice’s mother just JUMPED IN!<\/p>\n
And then Felice.<\/p>\n
And then…me.<\/p>\n
I wanted to be close to Felice.\u00c2\u00a0 I wanted to die near Felice.\u00c2\u00a0 Maybe I could signal her as I was fading out.\u00c2\u00a0 She could tell the story and make me look good.\u00c2\u00a0 I wouldn’t just be another tourist biting it on vacation.<\/p>\n
The helmet.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s big and yellow.\u00c2\u00a0 Made out of cement, or something like it.\u00c2\u00a0 I stood on the ladder at the end of the boat.\u00c2\u00a0 They lowered it upon me.\u00c2\u00a0 And then I started stepping down.<\/p>\n
And the first thing I see is Xavier.\u00c2\u00a0 In his wetsuit.\u00c2\u00a0 Signaling me.\u00c2\u00a0 Am I O.K?\u00c2\u00a0 Fuck, I’m maybe an inch below the surface and words have been taken off the table.\u00c2\u00a0 He’d run through all the signals SO FAST!\u00c2\u00a0 What if I got them wrong?\u00c2\u00a0 What if I couldn’t REMEMBER ONE!<\/p>\n
And you’ve got to equalize the pressure.\u00c2\u00a0 This is the part that had me really flipped.\u00c2\u00a0 Ear problems I’ve got.\u00c2\u00a0 Xavier said not to go if you didn’t feel both of your ears pop.\u00c2\u00a0 But when I tested it above the surface, the right one wouldn’t go.\u00c2\u00a0 Was that serious, or anomalous?\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, my posse said I’d KNOW if I had a problem.\u00c2\u00a0 Yeah, right.\u00c2\u00a0 Like they’d had THEIR ears operated on.\u00c2\u00a0 Not only can I barely HEAR shit, I don’t KNOW shit.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s not like I can call the House Ear Clinic from this tiny vessel in the South Pacific!<\/p>\n
But Dr. Brackmann had never said no.<\/p>\n
But my ears weren’t popping.\u00c2\u00a0 Shit, would I have to punt RIGHT AWAY?\u00c2\u00a0 Before I even got to the BOTTOM?<\/p>\n
I couldn’t do that.\u00c2\u00a0 My manhood wouldn’t tolerate it.<\/p>\n
And Xavier’s flipping out.\u00c2\u00a0 Lord knows they probably don’t have insurance, but I guess he wants to be able to sleep at night.\u00c2\u00a0 He’d told me to yawn to equalize, but that wasn’t working.\u00c2\u00a0 I had to take the alternative route.\u00c2\u00a0 I had to reach UNDER my helmet, which turned out to be almost IMPOSSIBLE, hold my nose and BLOW!<\/p>\n
But my ears still hurt.<\/p>\n
But maybe they should.<\/p>\n
I realized risking deafness was worse than displaying a small unit, so I kept going.<\/p>\n
And when I got to the bottom, I could see Ginny.\u00c2\u00a0 FURTHEST from the boat.\u00c2\u00a0 And Felice nearby.\u00c2\u00a0 And SUDDENLY, I’m ENVELOPED BY FISH!<\/p>\n
These were not the tiny creatures on the private island near Taha’a two days before.\u00c2\u00a0 They looked like they could BITE YOU!\u00c2\u00a0 And then I remembered that Xavier said they WOULD bite you.<\/p>\n
And they’re slimy.\u00c2\u00a0 And why are they so into ME!\u00c2\u00a0 Why not Ginny or Felice?<\/p>\n
The bread.\u00c2\u00a0 Took me about ten minutes to figure it out.\u00c2\u00a0 They put bread in a net bag attached to the helmet.\u00c2\u00a0 They figure if you’re paying all this money, you want to see FISH!<\/p>\n
Xavier kept giving me the O.K. sign, wanting me to flash it back.<\/p>\n
And all I can think is how long do I have to stay down here before I can GET THE FUCK UP!<\/p>\n
I start playing mental games.\u00c2\u00a0 Monica, Gregg, Big and Little Chris.\u00c2\u00a0 They’ve got to get down first.\u00c2\u00a0 THEN I can jump out.<\/p>\n
The water.\u00c2\u00a0 The water!\u00c2\u00a0 It’s RISING AROUND MY NECK!\u00c2\u00a0 I’m going to DROWN!<\/p>\n
I’m panicking.\u00c2\u00a0 This is it.\u00c2\u00a0 I start walking over to Xavier.\u00c2\u00a0 SAVE ME!<\/p>\n
But he’s showing something to Monica.<\/p>\n
I reach up under my helmet.\u00c2\u00a0 It doesn’t seem to be water, but AIR!\u00c2\u00a0 Why is air so cold underwater?<\/p>\n
Finally, everybody’s down.\u00c2\u00a0 Little Chris is snapping photos.<\/p>\n
I turn my head, looking for Felice, and it’s like I’m on a bad trip.\u00c2\u00a0 Turns out there’s some funhouse mirror effect.\u00c2\u00a0 If you turn, look out a side window, you lose ALL perspective!<\/p>\n
Okay.\u00c2\u00a0 Eyes straight.<\/p>\n
But I’m still DROWNING!<\/p>\n
I put my fingers up inside the helmet again.\u00c2\u00a0 Still, the water was not encroaching my neck.\u00c2\u00a0 It was STILL cold air.\u00c2\u00a0 I had no excuse.\u00c2\u00a0 I had to stay down.<\/p>\n
And then I thought I was going to LIVE!<\/p>\n
Then Felice’s turn was over.\u00c2\u00a0 My safety net was gone.\u00c2\u00a0 I was going to DIE!<\/p>\n
Then Xavier motioned ME over to some giant underground rock.\u00c2\u00a0 He wanted to show me the clams.\u00c2\u00a0 And some other underwater flora or fauna, who knows the difference, that reacted when he touched it.<\/p>\n
He was laughing.\u00c2\u00a0 Yup, with his breathing apparatus in his mouth.\u00c2\u00a0 I could tell.\u00c2\u00a0 We were having a PARTY!<\/p>\n
And I was about to revel, and then I remembered, WE’RE IN TAHITI!\u00c2\u00a0 With no FDA.\u00c2\u00a0 Or FTC.\u00c2\u00a0 Or FCC.\u00c2\u00a0 Whatever organization protects me from inept operators.<\/p>\n
But I’d lived THIS long!<\/p>\n
I decided to get closer to the blue fish.\u00c2\u00a0 I abandoned the rope.\u00c2\u00a0 I strode the underwater hill.\u00c2\u00a0 Suddenly, I was a PLAYER!\u00c2\u00a0 I could DO THIS!\u00c2\u00a0 I was going to MAKE IT!<\/p>\n
I mean live long enough, and you can live forever.<\/p>\n
If the guy on the surface didn’t fuck up my tank.<\/p>\n
Then again, if people HAD died, wouldn’t they have shut this ride DOWN?<\/p>\n
And then Xavier showed up again.\u00c2\u00a0 My BUDDY!\u00c2\u00a0 He starts flashing some underwater signs.\u00c2\u00a0 Why does he keep asking me if I’m O.K?\u00c2\u00a0 Can’t he SEE that I’m O.K?<\/p>\n
And as I was contemplating this, Xavier crossed his arms.<\/p>\n
I’m fucked.\u00c2\u00a0 Xavier sees something I don’t.\u00c2\u00a0 I AM going to die.<\/p>\n
I’m flummoxed.\u00c2\u00a0 Then I realize, this is the sign that the ride is OVER!<\/p>\n
I walk back to the boat.\u00c2\u00a0 I climb the ladder.<\/p>\n
Suddenly, I’m above the surface.\u00c2\u00a0 The helmet has been removed.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m ALIVE!<\/p>\n
Oh, now I’m joshing and laughing with the rest of them.\u00c2\u00a0 I’d faced my fear and won!\u00c2\u00a0 No, I’d been SO worried of being ashamed that I’d decided that death was better than humiliation.<\/p>\n
But the whole way back to Vaitape, I had my head off the side of the boat.\u00c2\u00a0 My hair was blowing in the wind and spray.\u00c2\u00a0 The steep hills of the island were getting closer.\u00c2\u00a0 And all I could hear in my head was "The Boys Of Summer".<\/p>\n
I can see you Changed my perspective.\u00c2\u00a0 Suddenly, life wasn’t about winning, but experiencing.\u00c2\u00a0 I no longer had to be the star of my youth.\u00c2\u00a0 I could try things and fail.\u00c2\u00a0 Because I might win.\u00c2\u00a0 For myself.<\/p>\n Little victories mean so much.\u00c2\u00a0 More than the big ones.\u00c2\u00a0 Because the big ones are transitory, you feel alone.\u00c2\u00a0 Whereas the little ones are evidence of your humanity.\u00c2\u00a0 You feel a part of the human race.\u00c2\u00a0 You feel just like everybody else.\u00c2\u00a0 Flawed, but trying to get along.\u00c2\u00a0 Winning sometimes, but losing too.<\/p>\n Oh, I won’t say I wasn’t fearful kayaking off the back of the ship two days later in Moorea.\u00c2\u00a0 In the bay that Captain Cook had set anchor.\u00c2\u00a0 Far from the ship.\u00c2\u00a0 But when I followed Felice and laid my limbs in the water and stared up at the towering mountains, it was clear the risk was worth it.\u00c2\u00a0 My stroke had not been perfect, but I was out there, and that’s all that counted.<\/p>\n
Your brown skin shinin’ in the sun
I see you walkin’ real slow and smilin’ at everyone<\/em><\/p>\n