I had to turn on "Letterman" to see Howard rake Les Moonves over the coals.<\/p>\n
Actually, playing the straight man, Letterman had the funnier material.\u00c2\u00a0 Saying that Les had done fine by him.\u00c2\u00a0 Still, we root for Howard.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s the fact that deep down inside he hates himself.\u00c2\u00a0 A personal viewpoint that not only Jews can relate to in America.\u00c2\u00a0 Don’t YOU hate yourself?\u00c2\u00a0 God, every time I turn on the TV I feel inadequate.\u00c2\u00a0 So Howard decided to do something about it.\u00c2\u00a0 He got plastic surgery.\u00c2\u00a0 He had a bit shaved off the end of his nose and fat sucked from his gobbler.\u00c2\u00a0 Had anybody else done it I’d have resigned from their fan club.\u00c2\u00a0 But you know that Howard looked himself in the mirror EVERY DAY and wondered…would his life be better if he LOOKED better?\u00c2\u00a0 That’s how fucked up American society is.\u00c2\u00a0 A guy worth hundreds of millions of dollars, all of which he’s earned on his talent, thinks he’s a loser.<\/p>\n
And I’m with Howard on this lawsuit.\u00c2\u00a0 Not only because it was dirty pool for Les to play along and say everything was cool when Howard was still on CBS, but because only in this fucked up country can corporations sue individuals who can be bankrupted by their defense.\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, Howard can afford it.\u00c2\u00a0 But how about those people the RIAA sues.\u00c2\u00a0 The DEFENSE would eclipse the settlement.\u00c2\u00a0 The RIAA has deep pockets.\u00c2\u00a0 There’s often NOTHING IN the pockets of the file-trader.\u00c2\u00a0 And, do you think after settling people are going out and buying CDs??\u00c2\u00a0 They may not be file-trading, but they’re not buying.\u00c2\u00a0 It would be like giving money to a guy who beat you up.\u00c2\u00a0 I hope this suit doesn’t turn Howard into Lenny Bruce, doesn’t become the only thing he can talk about, still…hearing Howard rant and rave for the better part of an hour was not riveting television.\u00c2\u00a0 We’ve seen this act before.\u00c2\u00a0 The put upon Howard.\u00c2\u00a0 And how many times can you watch "Duddy Kravitz"?<\/p>\n
Now the nature of television is that you can’t turn it off.\u00c2\u00a0 Which is why I hardly ever turn it on.\u00c2\u00a0 So, when Howard finally exits, I flip over to Jay, whom I used to like as a standup but hate as a late night host because he’s so fucking NICE!\u00c2\u00a0 NOBODY’S that fucking nice.\u00c2\u00a0 Jay’s so thrilled to be working at NBC that he won’t say a single thing bad about his bosses.\u00c2\u00a0 And if you don’t ever hate your job, don’t ever feel put upon, then you’re either not human or stuffing your feelings down.\u00c2\u00a0 I know Jay’s human, from seeing him in the comedy clubs, so this false TV act turns my stomach and keeps me from tuning in.\u00c2\u00a0 But, last night I stayed on NBC.\u00c2\u00a0 Not for the guest further down the couch, Simon Cowell (isn’t Simon a big enough star that he gets to leave after his shtick?), but Lisa Lampanelli.\u00c2\u00a0 It was like watching a wreck on the freeway.\u00c2\u00a0 One car skidding into another and then a chain reaction of HILARITY!<\/p>\n
It was the way Lisa jumped right over the boundaries.\u00c2\u00a0 Hitting on Simon.\u00c2\u00a0 Stating that nobody was tuning in "American Idol" to see Randy Jackson (I mean would the ratings dip if he was replaced?) and Paula’s just interested in finding five new guys to fuck.\u00c2\u00a0 This was the anti-Jay.\u00c2\u00a0 Maybe even the anti-Howard.\u00c2\u00a0 She was feeling bad about herself but she wasn’t going to complain, she was going to put forth the position that people like her RULED and the celebs, as well as everybody else, better be WORRIED!<\/p>\n
Oh, Lisa talked about her ex-husband.\u00c2\u00a0 A 400 lb. Italian guy.\u00c2\u00a0 And went on to state that since "The Sopranos" everybody Italian has taken on a Mob persona.\u00c2\u00a0 She was having trouble with a new boyfriend and her ex said he could help her out, he was CONNECTED!\u00c2\u00a0 "To the end of a FORK!" Lisa said.\u00c2\u00a0 And it worked.\u00c2\u00a0 Since Lisa looks like the average American…OVERWEIGHT!<\/p>\n
And then she started hitting on Kevin.\u00c2\u00a0 Saying she loved the black guys.\u00c2\u00a0 Because they loved her.\u00c2\u00a0 It was her big ass.\u00c2\u00a0 God, if the cops were shooting he could hide BEHIND IT!<\/p>\n
And then she said God created gays so fat chicks could have friends.\u00c2\u00a0 I mean I WANTED to go to bed, but now I’m laughing out loud.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m hoping she’ll go on FOREVER!<\/p>\n
She was a tour-de-force.\u00c2\u00a0 Of the type we no longer see on TV.\u00c2\u00a0 Since the medium killed standup comedy.\u00c2\u00a0 Yup, through overexposure.\u00c2\u00a0 Music wasn’t the only victim of the small screen.<\/p>\n
And I caught Lisa in "The Aristocrats".\u00c2\u00a0 But not watching TV almost at all, I’d missed out on her ascension.\u00c2\u00a0 Her peak at the Pamela Anderson roast on Comedy Central.\u00c2\u00a0 Wherein she said:<\/p>\n
"Pam Anderson has dated Scott Baio, the singer from Poison, and the drummer from Motley Crue.\u00c2\u00a0 VH1 should do a show on her life called ‘I Fucked the ’80s’."<\/p>\n
If you don’t think that’s funny, you just don’t have a sense of humor.<\/p>\n
Hell, read an interview of Lisa at: Queen of Mean<\/a><\/p>\n