{"id":28,"date":"2005-05-20T09:23:19","date_gmt":"2005-05-20T16:23:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/index.php\/archives\/2005\/05\/20\/new-york-city-minute-one\/"},"modified":"2005-05-21T09:09:44","modified_gmt":"2005-05-21T16:09:44","slug":"new-york-city-minute-one","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/2005\/05\/20\/new-york-city-minute-one\/","title":{"rendered":"New York City-Minute One"},"content":{"rendered":"

New York City, just like I pictured it<\/em><\/p>\n

What the fuck is up with the RAIN?<\/p>\n

We must have landed in NEW JERSEY!\u00c2\u00a0 I mean if I wanted to DRIVE to Kennedy…
\u00c2\u00a0I mean it’s pouring out, and we’re driving in the 767, mile after mile,
watching the water stream down the windows.\u00c2\u00a0 THIS is a picnic!<\/p>\n

I mean I used to live on the east coast.\u00c2\u00a0 I reminisce about the east coast.\u00c2\u00a0
But I guess I’m a true Californian, make that a SOUTHERN Californian.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s
not supposed to rain from Memorial Day ’til Labor Day.\u00c2\u00a0 Yup, OUR God, the one on
the WEST coast, the one who believes in evolution, not intelligent design,
knows that in the summer you want to be outside, so he refrains from dropping
water on us.\u00c2\u00a0 God, driving into Manhattan I thought I was in Manchester, I
haven’t seen this much rain since I was at In The City.<\/p>\n

And the games begin as soon as you exit the jetway, when you go to the
bathroom.\u00c2\u00a0 There are no Jerry Ford football helmets in the bathroom stalls.\u00c2\u00a0 (Yup,
Jerry was famous for wearing one of those leather caps, the ones that didn’t
protect you AT ALL in hits, that’s why we said he was slow, and inept.)\u00c2\u00a0 I mean
to tell you the truth, I don’t have this shtick, I don’t need the paper
between me and the seat.\u00c2\u00a0 Well, at least that’s in L.A., where there seems to be a
law requiring them.\u00c2\u00a0 Still, I’ve started using them, because when you tell
people you don’t, you get such stares.\u00c2\u00a0 But, in New York, let the games BEGIN!\u00c2\u00a0 At
least the seat itself was intact, it was not covered in graffiti.\u00c2\u00a0 I parked
my ass there and then noticed…the paper dispenser was covered in stickers and
magic marker scribblings.\u00c2\u00a0 FURTHERMORE, even though it was only eight in the
morning, I was shocked to find out they were almost completely OUT of paper.\u00c2\u00a0
I got that jolt of anxiety for a minute, you know the one, where you take a
crap and find out…but there was enough paper to do the job.\u00c2\u00a0 But there was no
soap in the dispenser.\u00c2\u00a0 And the paper towel machine was challenged, you could
get SOMETHING out of it, but not much.<\/p>\n

After retrieving my bag from the carousel, and extracting my umbrella, we
found a cab.\u00c2\u00a0 I told my sister it paid to go a little higher class, that we
should get a limo, but the cab was parked right outside,
she convinced me to go for it.<\/p>\n

And you know the cabs in New York.\u00c2\u00a0 They come without shock absorbers.\u00c2\u00a0 And
we’re stuck in rush hour traffic, still, I must admit, unlike L.A., at least
we’re MOVING!\u00c2\u00a0 Slowly, although we are making progress.\u00c2\u00a0 Finally, we exit the
tunnel, we’re in Manhattan, and the driver is in his element, he’s showing us
his Monte Carlo skills.\u00c2\u00a0 They took off that recording, the one done by
celebrities insisting you wear your seatbelt, but I fished down and got mine, just
because you’re in the back seat of a cab, that doesn’t mean you’re immune, that
doesn’t mean you’re SAFE!\u00c2\u00a0 And I’m contemplating my agenda, whether two hours
sleep is enough to function, whether my room will be available at this early
hour when…<\/p>\n

I just went to physical therapy YESTERDAY!\u00c2\u00a0 I mean I take
anti-inflammatories, on a trip like this I even wear a brace, still, I didn’t think I was going on a MOON SHOT!\u00c2\u00a0 We’re driving cross-town, and you know cabbies, they think they can make their own lane, this guy is squeezing the Crown Victoria in a space that looks fit for a Mini Cooper and then, THANK FUCKING GOD I’M WEARING MY SEATBELT, I’m jolted into the sky, it’s turbulence far beyond anything I experienced on the flight, I’m FLYING!\u00c2\u00a0 But it’s worse than that, because just before I went airborne, I was thrust back into the seat, HARD!\u00c2\u00a0 Like I’m in the
ring at the WWE or something.\u00c2\u00a0 And then it happened AGAIN, almost INSTANTLY, and just as I collected my wits enough to say WHAT THE FUCK?, the cab ground to a halt, and like a driver at Indy who’s spun out and has been eliminated from
the race, the driver has his head on the steering wheel, we’re not moving.\u00c2\u00a0 So
now, not am I only wondering what HAPPENED, but what comes NEXT!<\/p>\n

The driver won’t talk.\u00c2\u00a0 Not that I could understand him if he did.\u00c2\u00a0 We’re in
the back seat in shock.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m wondering what the fuck my back is going to feel
like in a few hours, it’s like that time at Aspen that that dude hit me from
behind, I was checking all my parts, I didn’t know to what degree I was going
to survive.<\/p>\n

And then my brother-in-law, with his wry sense of humor, kind of chuckles and
says "I think we have a flat tire…correct that, I think we have TWO flat
tires."\u00c2\u00a0 Still, the driver is nonverbal, he’s still in shock.\u00c2\u00a0 And slowly, as
our wits return, the question arises, what are we gonna do NOW??<\/p>\n

First, we’ve got to get OUT of the cab.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m not about to stiff the guy, but
no way is he getting full fare.\u00c2\u00a0 But then I remember, my laptop is in the
front seat!!\u00c2\u00a0 If I get out without paying, he’s going to drive off with my
computer, he’s going to hold it hostage, for RANSOM!<\/p>\n

And while I’m debating all this, my sister is arguing with the guy, who can
only say we owe him $45, full fare.\u00c2\u00a0 My sister wants to duke it out, but my
brother-in-law whips off fifty bucks, and we get out.\u00c2\u00a0 Barely.\u00c2\u00a0 The car is
crunched to the curb.\u00c2\u00a0 Actually, what happened, upon inspection, was that part of
the curb was jutting into the roadway, as if an earthquake had separated the
piping and now one tectonic plate had ended up on top and ajar.\u00c2\u00a0 I mean no
problem if you’re in the ROADWAY, if you’re not trying to be Dale Earnhardt, Jr.,
but if you’re trying to save thirty seconds, like that train engineer in Japan,
you’re gonna have PROBLEMS!\u00c2\u00a0 Not only two flat tires, but two fucked up
wheels.\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, the cabbie TRIED to go forward, there was just NO WAY!<\/p>\n

At first he wouldn’t give me the laptop, he wouldn’t lower the front window,
he wouldn’t open the door.\u00c2\u00a0 Finally, I got it.\u00c2\u00a0 And I find myself standing
there in the streaming rain.<\/p>\n

Thank god I had an umbrella.\u00c2\u00a0 But I had a WEST COAST umbrella, one of those
things that covers your head at most, and now I’m on the sidewalk, with my
suitcase and laptop, feeling…like a fired employee who’s had his car
repossessed.\u00c2\u00a0 And while I’m trying to keep my stuff from getting soaked, my sister says we’re going to WALK!<\/p>\n

I vote for a new cab, but it’s two against one.\u00c2\u00a0 They’re convinced the hotel
is right around the corner,\u00c2\u00a0 I don’t think so, but I don’t have the address.\u00c2\u00a0
And then, like HILLBILLIES, in the RAIN, we start to walk the streets of New
York City with our luggage, looking like COMPLETE rubes.<\/p>\n

My jacket’s starting to soak through, my suitcase is dripping wet…who the
fuck knows if it’s waterproof.\u00c2\u00a0 I STOP, we MUST get a cab!\u00c2\u00a0 But you know family
dynamics, she’s my OLDER sister, it’s not about doing what’s right, but going
along with the PLAN!<\/p>\n

Finally we hit Park Avenue, the class of the clientele rises, and we look
like we walked from ARKANSAS!<\/p>\n

Then we hit the car dealerships.\u00c2\u00a0 We pass the Maybach showroom.\u00c2\u00a0 Doesn’t Lyor
Cohen have a Maybach?\u00c2\u00a0 Would Lyor Cohen be walking with his suitcase in the
rain?\u00c2\u00a0 I’m embarrassed, even though nobody I know is looking.\u00c2\u00a0 I mean maybe if
I was in my twenties, but in this two-tired twenty first century, with its
winners and losers, I certainly felt like a loser.<\/p>\n

I mean we walk into the hotel looking like something the cat dragged in.\u00c2\u00a0 And
my sister’s bugging the dude behind the counter for an instant room, thinking
if only she tells our story again and again, this will\u00c2\u00a0 make a difference,
not realizing that with every word our status is going down, I’m wondering by
time she’s through if they’ll EVER have rooms in the hotel for us.<\/p>\n

Finally, after saying that MAYBE we can have rooms in an hour, maybe an hour
and a half, the counter guy asks us…"Smoking or non-smoking?"<\/p>\n

My response was easy…\u00c2\u00a0 We’re from CALIFORNIA!\u00c2\u00a0 Nobody smokes in California.<\/p>\n

But suddenly the story changed.\u00c2\u00a0 Suddenly there were rooms, BETTER rooms if
only we’d agree to stay on smoking floors.<\/p>\n

Was it all a ruse?\u00c2\u00a0 Were they waiting for richer customers to give these
rooms to?\u00c2\u00a0 Had my sister’s sob story really worked?\u00c2\u00a0 And how bad did the smoking
rooms smell anyway, at this first class hotel?<\/p>\n

And my sister’s negotiating.\u00c2\u00a0 Can we sleep and THEN change rooms?<\/p>\n

No, we’ve got an hour.\u00c2\u00a0 We can exchange only within an hour.<\/p>\n

There’s a hint of nicotine in my room.\u00c2\u00a0 But I got a couch I knew I wouldn’t
have gotten previously.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m sold.\u00c2\u00a0 But I’m worried about creeping regret.\u00c2\u00a0
Lying in bed, inhaling fumes and wondering if I made a mistake.\u00c2\u00a0 Then again, I
don’t want to sit in the lobby of the hotel soaked.<\/p>\n

So I’m gonna power through, at least until the afternoon, go up to Q Prime,
go to lunch.<\/p>\n

Oh, I’m sure I’ll be enamored of the greatest city in the world a few hours
from now, maybe tomorrow, but now all I can think of is the Stevie Wonder song.<\/p>\n

His hair is long, his feet are hard and gritty
He spends his life walking the streets of New York City
He’s almost dead from breathing in air pollution
He tried to vote but to him there’s no solution
Living just enough, just enough for the city…<\/em> <\/p>\n

<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

New York City, just like I pictured it What the fuck is up with the RAIN? We must have landed in NEW JERSEY!\u00c2\u00a0 I mean if I wanted to DRIVE to Kennedy… \u00c2\u00a0I mean it’s pouring out, and we’re driving in the 767, mile after mile, watching the water stream down the windows.\u00c2\u00a0 THIS is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-28","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p96vPs-s","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=28"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=28"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=28"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=28"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}