I had a colonoscopy.<\/p>\n
That’s what happens when you turn fifty.<\/p>\n
Actually, I turned fifty six.\u00c2\u00a0 Unlike Lyor Cohen, I don’t lie about my age.\u00c2\u00a0 Wonder if he’s had his colonoscopy?<\/p>\n
Many people avoid it.\u00c2\u00a0 Because it’s a pain in the ass.<\/p>\n
Literally.<\/p>\n
Well, the real problem is the prep.<\/p>\n
You can’t eat anything the day before.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s kind of like being on "Survivor".<\/p>\n
But worse, because you’ve got to take MoviPrep.<\/p>\n
No, it’s not about preparing to go to the theatre.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s about moving your bowels.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s about emptying everything you’ve got inside so they can poke a camera up your ass to see if you’ve got anything wrong with you.\u00c2\u00a0 Like cancer.<\/p>\n
I don’t.\u00c2\u00a0 Guess I won that genetic lottery.\u00c2\u00a0 Got a bunch of other stuff wrong, but my doctor said I won’t die of prostate cancer.\u00c2\u00a0 But that I should have the procedure anyway.<\/p>\n
And I’ve got bad memories of the first time around, five years ago.\u00c2\u00a0 Because of the awful tasting juice.<\/p>\n
But they took that juice off the market.\u00c2\u00a0 Turns out a very small percentage of people lose kidney function.\u00c2\u00a0 Completely!\u00c2\u00a0 Forever!<\/p>\n
So if you’re used to those tiny little plastic bottles, you know, the ones with the ridges, with the concentrate that tastes worse than you can possibly imagine, be relieved, now we’ve got MoviPrep!\u00c2\u00a0 Which tastes just a smidge better, but you’ve got to drink twice to get all the shit out.<\/p>\n
Yup, you’ve got to wake up in the middle of the night to drink it a second time.\u00c2\u00a0 But since my colonoscopy wasn’t until 12:30 PM, I could get up at six and drink the second dose.\u00c2\u00a0 Before the sun rose.\u00c2\u00a0 Pretty creepy.<\/p>\n
As for those saying you take the pill?<\/p>\n
No go no mo’.\u00c2\u00a0 That generates the kidney problem too.<\/p>\n
So it’s MoviPrep.<\/p>\n
And nothing else for a day and a half in my case.<\/p>\n
And I arrive at the colonoscopy center where the nurse can’t find my vein.<\/p>\n
Guess I’ll make a bad junkie.<\/p>\n
First she drops the needle on the floor, then she pokes me in the hand and misses.\u00c2\u00a0 Then she pokes me in the crook of the arm and no blood pours out.\u00c2\u00a0 Tells me she’s gonna start the IV to see if it opens the vein.\u00c2\u00a0 Huh?\u00c2\u00a0 At what point do you scream bloody murder and say you want someone new?\u00c2\u00a0 I mean you’re behind the curtain, this isn’t like the supermarket, where you can just get in another lane.<\/p>\n
And then they’re running late.\u00c2\u00a0 Which gives me enough time to read "Fortune" and find out that Tommy Lee is letting the public record his album.\u00c2\u00a0 Enough with the gimmicks Tommy, NO ONE WANTS YOUR ALBUM!\u00c2\u00a0 Yup, he records drums and vocals, you create the music and he owns it.\u00c2\u00a0 Huh?\u00c2\u00a0 Why does everybody keep paying attention to Mr. Lee.\u00c2\u00a0 He’s a DRUMMER!\u00c2\u00a0 He should be thankful that people still want to see him in Motley Crue.<\/p>\n
Eventually they wheel me into the OR.\u00c2\u00a0 Where the anesthesiologist is quite friendly, and quite informative.\u00c2\u00a0 This is where the experience changes.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m in with the pros.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 They pump some anesthesia into me and I’m gone in little more than a second.\u00c2\u00a0 They didn’t even have me count back from 100.\u00c2\u00a0 Hell, I wouldn’t have gotten anywhere near ninety five.<\/p>\n
Then, they give you the results when you’re still fucked up.\u00c2\u00a0 Out of the coma, but totally groggy.\u00c2\u00a0 The doctor said I did great!\u00c2\u00a0 Literally, he wrote it on the form.\u00c2\u00a0 But what exactly did I do again?\u00c2\u00a0 I just laid on my side and he poked me in the ass.<\/p>\n
They give you some graham crackers and juice.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s kind of like kindergarten, you get a gold star for doing almost nothing.\u00c2\u00a0 Then Felice picked me up and we went to In-N-Out.\u00c2\u00a0 Hell, you need a reward after that ordeal.<\/p>\n
I was worried about getting sick to my stomach.\u00c2\u00a0 Like those contestants on "Survivor" who overeat after winning a challenge and then endure intolerable abdominal pains.\u00c2\u00a0 But I was fine last night.\u00c2\u00a0 Watched the Broncos beat the Chargers whilst flipping over to see the Dodgers lose. How come the Dodgers never have any bats?<\/p>\n
And I woke up this morning feeling…a bit foggy.<\/p>\n
It’s getting better, but I’m not one hundred percent.<\/p>\n
But I’m sure I’ll be fine tomorrow.<\/p>\n
But the phone just rang.\u00c2\u00a0 It was the nurse.\u00c2\u00a0 Asking me how I’m doing.<\/p>\n
I appreciate the phone call.\u00c2\u00a0 But I’m gonna be fine and you’re wasting my time.\u00c2\u00a0 But the guy kept probing, did I feel this, did I feel that.\u00c2\u00a0 And that’s when I told him I was still feeling the effects of the anesthesia.<\/p>\n
Then he started to argue with me.<\/p>\n
Couldn’t be.\u00c2\u00a0 Could be the lack of food, the lack of sleep, but the half-life of the anesthesia was incredibly brief.<\/p>\n
Then he wants me to catalog my symptoms.\u00c2\u00a0 I felt I was in an analogy test.\u00c2\u00a0 Some weird SAT on my body.<\/p>\n
And after being stumped.\u00c2\u00a0 Having nothing to say.\u00c2\u00a0 The nurse told me they’d shot me up with Propofol.<\/p>\n
Huh?<\/p>\n
I barely heard what came thereafter.\u00c2\u00a0 He’s telling me about the effects.<\/p>\n
I KNOW ABOUT THE EFFECTS!\u00c2\u00a0 IT KILLED MICHAEL JACKSON!<\/p>\n
Kind of a weird brush with fame.<\/p>\n
You think you’re miles away from the King of Pop, then you find out you were on the same damn trip.\u00c2\u00a0 Now I know that when injected he went out just that fast.\u00c2\u00a0 But how did he feel the next day?<\/p>\n
Guess he’s not feeling much of anything right now.<\/p>\n
Don’t play with drugs.\u00c2\u00a0 They’re dangerous.\u00c2\u00a0 Leave them to the professionals.<\/p>\n
You want Propofol in the OR.\u00c2\u00a0 Not at home.<\/p>\n
If this is your idea of a recreational drug…we play differently.<\/p>\n
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I had a colonoscopy. That’s what happens when you turn fifty. Actually, I turned fifty six.\u00c2\u00a0 Unlike Lyor Cohen, I don’t lie about my age.\u00c2\u00a0 Wonder if he’s had his colonoscopy? Many people avoid it.\u00c2\u00a0 Because it’s a pain in the ass. Literally. Well, the real problem is the prep. You can’t eat anything the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2331","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/s96vPs-propofol","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2331","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2331"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2331\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2331"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2331"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2331"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}