How do they fuck?<\/p>\n
I sat through the whole damn movie and that’s the one element that wasn’t
revealed.\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, I got the passing of the egg from male to female…but how did the
egg get fertilized to BEGIN WITH?<\/p>\n
Do you think I wanted to see a damn PENGUIN MOVIE?\u00c2\u00a0 Some family pic rated G?\u00c2\u00a0
Something for parents to take their kiddies to on a hot summer afternoon?<\/p>\n
NO FUCKING WAY!<\/p>\n
Hell, it didn’t even fly on my radar.\u00c2\u00a0 Until, unlike just about every other
movie released these days, it didn’t immediately disappear from theatres.<\/p>\n
Oh, the press MARVELED!\u00c2\u00a0 That this DOCUMENTARY was drawing patrons week after week.\u00c2\u00a0 It was if they’d discovered the Beatles.\u00c2\u00a0 How could this BE?<\/p>\n
Well, the public is into tons of shite, so it still rolled off my back until
Kate started waxing rhapsodic on Labor Day.<\/p>\n
THAT’S what sells entertainment.\u00c2\u00a0 THAT’S what gets people interested.\u00c2\u00a0 WORD
OF MOUTH!<\/p>\n
Oh, the record companies think their audience is radio.\u00c2\u00a0 And MTV.\u00c2\u00a0 And if
they just produce something just like what came before, what’s HAPPENING, then
these outlets will air their tune and RICHES will descend upon them.<\/p>\n
Not that that’s enough.\u00c2\u00a0 The air-brained prima donnas have to appear on TV.\u00c2\u00a0
Even Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones have to do endorsement deals.\u00c2\u00a0 TO
GET THE MESSAGE OUT!<\/p>\n
Guess it didn’t work too well.\u00c2\u00a0 Despite ALL the hype, despite appearing with
AmeriQuest on television CONSTANTLY, "A\u00c2\u00a0 Bigger Bang" couldn’t even sell
150,000 measly copies.\u00c2\u00a0 YOU KNOW WHY?\u00c2\u00a0 Because people expect it to be shit, because that’s what the Stones have been releasing for YEARS!<\/p>\n
The reason they go to the show is to relive their youth.\u00c2\u00a0 And they take their
young ‘uns along so they can testify that they saw the band before Jagger
died, kind of like seeing Michael Jordan when he was playing with the Washington
Wizards.<\/p>\n
But to make something GOOD!\u00c2\u00a0 Something NEW AND DIFFERENT!\u00c2\u00a0 No, the major
labels can’t do that, it’s TOO RISKY!<\/p>\n
The A&R guy only gets to sign a band a year.\u00c2\u00a0 He wants one that’s gonna HIT!\u00c2\u00a0
Or at least have a fighting chance.\u00c2\u00a0 He wants one, if it DOES hit, that will
go on to sell five million copies.\u00c2\u00a0 Give me a rapper, who’s been shot a few
times.\u00c2\u00a0 I’ll put him together with a name producer.\u00c2\u00a0 We’ll have other rappers
from the label guest on the record.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s gonna be a SMASH!<\/p>\n
That nobody cares about not only a YEAR after it comes out, but merely MONTHS!<\/p>\n
The key is to find something good and have it sell FOREVER!\u00c2\u00a0 That’s how the
Stones and McCartney CAN tour.\u00c2\u00a0 All those great albums back when.\u00c2\u00a0 We don’t
WANT to buy the new records, we don’t want to be reminded how lame these acts
have become.<\/p>\n
But the zeal in a friend’s eye.\u00c2\u00a0 That’s what gets me to watch a TV program.\u00c2\u00a0
Like I care about the new season?\u00c2\u00a0 Like I’m gonna watch all those damn shows?\u00c2\u00a0
Like the actors parading on late night TV are gonna CONVINCE ME?\u00c2\u00a0 But when my
TV addicted friends tell me about something…I tune in.\u00c2\u00a0 Happened with
"Huff".\u00c2\u00a0 And certainly with "Ally McBeal" back when.\u00c2\u00a0 As for Larry David, WHO
WOULDN’T watch something by the co-creator of "Seinfeld"?\u00c2\u00a0 Hell, that’s how we used to sell BANDS!\u00c2\u00a0 Their previous record was SO good you had to buy the new one WITHOUT EVEN HEARING IT FIRST!<\/p>\n
Oh, but the major studios will complain that "March Of The Penguins" has only
made $70 million.\u00c2\u00a0 Chump change compared to their extravaganzas.\u00c2\u00a0 Well, the
ones that hit.\u00c2\u00a0 The ones that don’t…\u00c2\u00a0 Well, they’re $100 million disasters.\u00c2\u00a0
Talk to a baseball team.\u00c2\u00a0 You can’t make it on home run hitters alone.\u00c2\u00a0 But
that’s what major labels believe.<\/p>\n
Do I want to tell you this Penguin movie is good?\u00c2\u00a0 That you’ve GOT to see it?<\/p>\n
Well, it’s just that it’s such a goddamn train-wreck.\u00c2\u00a0 These stupid birds
walking for seventy miles again and again and AGAIN!\u00c2\u00a0 It’s kind of like that Sam
Kinison routine…\u00c2\u00a0 You know, about the starving people in Africa.\u00c2\u00a0 Don’t send
them food, send them SUITCASES!\u00c2\u00a0 They need to move where the FOOD IS!<\/p>\n
Couldn’t the emperor penguins go to Tierra Del Fuego?\u00c2\u00a0 Migrate a bit north?\u00c2\u00a0
Have their chicks on firm land?\u00c2\u00a0 Not far from their feeding waters?<\/p>\n
But NO!\u00c2\u00a0 They’ve got to waddle in subzero temperatures across a landscape so
barren that when you see the human beings who photographed the flick at the
end, they look like they’re near DEATH!<\/p>\n
Oh, they’ve got TINY LITTLE FEET!\u00c2\u00a0 They waddle forward like a fat person.\u00c2\u00a0
Their bellies leading the way.\u00c2\u00a0 And, when they get tired, they FALL DOWN ON
THESE BELLIES!\u00c2\u00a0 And push themselves along like little sleds.\u00c2\u00a0 As if they’re seven
year olds, out tobogganing on the golf course.<\/p>\n
And the way they pass the egg.\u00c2\u00a0 The impulsive LOSE IT!<\/p>\n
And that’s the end of the relationship.\u00c2\u00a0 Kind of like an abortion.\u00c2\u00a0 If you’re
not already married, that kills the connection.\u00c2\u00a0 They look at each other
dumbfounded.\u00c2\u00a0 Well, one is saying what a fucking idiot the other is.\u00c2\u00a0 And you know
it’s the female cursing the male, who didn’t catch the ball.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s always the
man’s fault.\u00c2\u00a0 Then they turn their backs to each other, never to speak again.<\/p>\n
And it wasn’t exactly clear how they choose each other to BEGIN WITH!\u00c2\u00a0 It’s
kind of like Surf City.\u00c2\u00a0 There are two girls for every boy.\u00c2\u00a0 Well, not quite,
but the ratio’s a bit off, there aren’t enough dudes to go around.\u00c2\u00a0 And each
dude is MONOGAMOUS!\u00c2\u00a0 So, if you don’t get your hands on one early, you’re out of
luck for a whole YEAR!\u00c2\u00a0 God, Carrie Bradshaw should have seen THIS movie.\u00c2\u00a0
You see you’ve got to SETTLE!<\/p>\n
And then, when they’re paired up, they’re talking up a storm.\u00c2\u00a0 We can’t
understand what they’re saying, but I don’t think they’re discussing the movies.\u00c2\u00a0
Then again, they COULD be marveling at the northern lights.<\/p>\n
Oh, they’re yakking.\u00c2\u00a0 They’re necking.\u00c2\u00a0 Then, SUDDENLY, the female plops out
an egg.<\/p>\n
Okay, HOW DID THEY DO IT??<\/p>\n
Does the male penguin have a penis?\u00c2\u00a0 The female a vagina?<\/p>\n
They say they’re birds.\u00c2\u00a0 How exactly do birds do it ANYWAY?<\/p>\n
It’s like immaculate conception.\u00c2\u00a0 No wonder religious wankers love this
movie.\u00c2\u00a0 Children without SEX!<\/p>\n
But I’m not five years old.\u00c2\u00a0 I can handle it.\u00c2\u00a0 Could you at least TELL ME how
they do it?<\/p>\n
I mean you went all the way to Antarctica.\u00c2\u00a0 Like a modern day Dr. Doolittle
you hung with the animals.\u00c2\u00a0 And you missed this CRUCIAL ELEMENT?<\/p>\n
Oh, I know.\u00c2\u00a0 You left it on the cutting room floor.\u00c2\u00a0 To insure a G rating.\u00c2\u00a0
That’s the world we live in today.<\/p>\n
But at least we don’t live down by the South Pole.<\/p>\n
Yup, you want to see this movie.\u00c2\u00a0 There’s just something about it.\u00c2\u00a0 The
penguins take on the characteristics of people.\u00c2\u00a0 They’re down there, it’s cold,
they’re starving.<\/p>\n
But there’s no traffic.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s BEAUTIFUL!<\/p>\n
"March Of The Penguins" is SO left field.\u00c2\u00a0 SO different from the teenage boy
meets girl tripe populating the movie theatres that it ends up being a
revelation.\u00c2\u00a0 It makes you THINK!<\/p>\n
And we haven’t had that spirit here in the film world since 1979.<\/p>\n
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