Felice wants to buy a flat panel.\u00c2\u00a0 She was set on a Sony, but "Sound & Vision" said Samsung made the LCD with the best blacks.\u00c2\u00a0 So we drove down to Best Buy.<\/p>\n
We didn’t see a salesman and couldn’t make sense of the inventory.\u00c2\u00a0 I don’t want to buy what’s available in your store, I want to see EVERYTHING and make the right choice!\u00c2\u00a0 It’s like you’ve got to shop with Web access, to check the veracity of the salesman’s spiel, assuming you can get hold of one.\u00c2\u00a0 And eventually we did, over at Ken Crane’s, where the dude neglected to tell us the 7 series Samsung was imminent.\u00c2\u00a0 But that’s not what I fired up Microsoft Word to tell you about.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m here to tell you about GTA IV.\u00c2\u00a0 That’s "Grand Theft Auto IV" for you snobs out there.\u00c2\u00a0 Those too superior to purchase a gaming console.<\/p>\n
We needed another controller.<\/p>\n
My friend Jeff bought me a second Rock Band guitar for my birthday.\u00c2\u00a0 And I found a TicketMaster giveaway USB hub, I think it came in the MusiCares goody-bag.\u00c2\u00a0 But the PS3 only comes with one controller…\u00c2\u00a0 If Felice and I want to compete in Gran Turismo, or in that skiing game we want to buy from the PlayStation store, we’ve got to have two.<\/p>\n
So I hoofed it over to the video game department.\u00c2\u00a0 Where this inner city dude was monopolizing the sales clerk.\u00c2\u00a0 I needed to know, which controller should I buy?\u00c2\u00a0 The one with or without SHOCK?<\/p>\n
And I’m waiting and waiting, as this guy quizzes this woman endlessly about accessories for his PSP.<\/p>\n
Finally, they’re done.\u00c2\u00a0 And when I pop the question, HE jumps in.\u00c2\u00a0 Lord only knows why this dude was speaking to the clerk, he could run circles around her, she knew essentially NOTHING!\u00c2\u00a0 Whereas this guy LIVED TO GAME!<\/p>\n
We needed the shock controller.\u00c2\u00a0 Soon, they wouldn’t even sell the one without shock.\u00c2\u00a0 Here, look at the back of this game, you see where it says: SHOCK?\u00c2\u00a0 The guy’s eyes started rolling backwards into his head as he waxed rhapsodic what a cool effect this was.<\/p>\n
I was convinced, I picked a shock controller off the rack.<\/p>\n
But what about games?\u00c2\u00a0 What did he think of the new Gran Turismo?<\/p>\n
He was into shooting games, not driving games.\u00c2\u00a0 But he started pointing out his favorites, delineating their qualities.\u00c2\u00a0 I figured he was going to invite me over to play.\u00c2\u00a0 Thank god I HAD a PS3…otherwise, he probably wouldn’t have spoken with me at all.\u00c2\u00a0 But suddenly, I’m a member of the club, I’m a GAMER!<\/p>\n
And what about GTA IV?\u00c2\u00a0 Had he played it?<\/p>\n
No.\u00c2\u00a0 But they had it upstairs.<\/p>\n
So we ascended the escalator…and it was nowhere to be found.<\/p>\n
So, asking the cashier, he said it was behind the counter…\u00c2\u00a0 And it was SIXTY BUCKS!<\/p>\n
I’ve never even bought a boxed set for sixty bucks.\u00c2\u00a0 And I was already in fifty five for the controller.\u00c2\u00a0 But if ever I was going to play the game, I might as well buy it NOW!<\/p>\n
It’s kind of like going to the multiplex the first weekend.\u00c2\u00a0 You want to participate when everybody else does, when it’s still fresh in everybody’s mind, before the hoi polloi move on to something else.<\/p>\n
And let me tell you, we’ve already earned cred.\u00c2\u00a0 Last night, at Felice and Monica’s birthday party in Malibu, when we let out to the twenty year olds that we had not only purchased GTA IV, but PLAYED IT, they looked at us completely different, we were hip, we were part of their posse.\u00c2\u00a0 Of course, the oldsters asked us what we were talking about.\u00c2\u00a0 We ignored them…how do you explain something to people who won’t get it anyway?<\/p>\n
And I’m quizzing the cashier as he’s ringing me up…\u00c2\u00a0 He seemed to be waiting for this moment.\u00c2\u00a0 In a matter of minutes, I got a survey of the PS3 gaming landscape.\u00c2\u00a0 I knew what he liked, what was good…\u00c2\u00a0 ALL SANS ATTITUDE!<\/p>\n
This wasn’t some longhair who’d rather be practicing guitar barely giving me the time of day.\u00c2\u00a0 This was a geek.\u00c2\u00a0 Probably on his way to Stanford, to change the world.\u00c2\u00a0 This was the modern record store.<\/p>\n
I know, I know, all you indie store geeks are gonna e-mail me…\u00c2\u00a0 Tell me about Record Store Day or something…\u00c2\u00a0 That’s like going to the trolley museum.\u00c2\u00a0 Or a radio convention.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s just not where it’s happening.\u00c2\u00a0 And it’s not only me…\u00c2\u00a0 Consumers, people who lay their money down, they want to be where it’s HAPPENING!<\/p>\n
I had to update the damn console.\u00c2\u00a0 Third time this week.\u00c2\u00a0 And it’s not like my Mac, it’s DAMN slow.\u00c2\u00a0 But you feel good.\u00c2\u00a0 This ain’t no toy…\u00c2\u00a0 The PS3 is speaking to the Internet wirelessly.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s keeping itself up to date.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s state of the MOMENT!<\/p>\n
Turns out GTA IV can’t be played by two.\u00c2\u00a0 So we didn’t need the controller right away.\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, you can play with your brethren ONLINE, but we didn’t want to let on what newbies we were.\u00c2\u00a0 Which we are.\u00c2\u00a0 I SUCKED!<\/p>\n
You see you get off the boat, in Liberty City…\u00c2\u00a0 And you’ve got to…<\/p>\n
Who knows what the fuck you’ve got to do…\u00c2\u00a0 You know how video games are, THEY COME WITH NO INSTRUCTIONS!\u00c2\u00a0 And, unlike most baby boomers, I read the instructions, I like a heads-up, a leg-up.<\/p>\n
Not that the DVD came with nothing…<\/p>\n
It came with…\u00c2\u00a0 A map of the city.\u00c2\u00a0 That’s Liberty City to you.\u00c2\u00a0 With a bunch of boroughs…\u00c2\u00a0 Like New York.<\/p>\n
And…an instruction booklet that told you what all the controller features were for.<\/p>\n
So, I tried to drive off the dock…<\/p>\n
I hit a concrete barrier.<\/p>\n
Eventually, I got out on the main drag…\u00c2\u00a0 But I missed a turn, the car flipped over and we had to start all over again.\u00c2\u00a0 So I passed the controller to Felice…<\/p>\n
FELICE IS AN INCREDIBLE DRIVER!\u00c2\u00a0 Not only did she make it off the dock without denting the car, or killing the headlights, like me, she got out on the freeway, she was driving from borough to borough.<\/p>\n
We went to the airport…\u00c2\u00a0 Even stopped at the gas station.\u00c2\u00a0 But it was getting boring.\u00c2\u00a0 I told her to get out of the car.<\/p>\n
And she’s walking around the deserted landscape and…\u00c2\u00a0 She can’t get in anywhere, all the GTA IV features, THEY DON’T SEEM TO WORK!<\/p>\n
It was then that I figured out there is some linearity to the game.\u00c2\u00a0 That you’ve got to follow the instructions.\u00c2\u00a0 The map in the lower left-hand corner…\u00c2\u00a0 To ROMAN’S HOUSE!<\/p>\n
But once we got there, I couldn’t find Roman again.\u00c2\u00a0 I kept bumping into walls.\u00c2\u00a0 Eventually I made it down to the street.\u00c2\u00a0 But I kept getting in fights.\u00c2\u00a0 And I couldn’t run away.\u00c2\u00a0 I ended up in the hospital, twice.\u00c2\u00a0 I was even shot by the police.\u00c2\u00a0 Things are rough in Liberty City.<\/p>\n
And that’s when I figured out, despite its difficulty, I had to follow the map in the lower left-hand corner again.\u00c2\u00a0 EVENTUALLY, I could reach Roman.<\/p>\n
And when I did, I passed the controller to Felice.\u00c2\u00a0 She drove to a card game.\u00c2\u00a0 Like I told you, she’s good.\u00c2\u00a0 Then she got Roman on the cell…\u00c2\u00a0 THE LOAN SHARKS!\u00c2\u00a0 They were here, they had to DRIVE AWAY!<\/p>\n
Oh, what a shitty getaway driver Felice was.\u00c2\u00a0 She’s methodical, she doesn’t like to make mistakes.\u00c2\u00a0 She ended up getting cornered, shot to shit, she ended up in the hospital!<\/p>\n
I did little better.\u00c2\u00a0 I was caught by the police and shot at.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, every time you get in the car, there’s a radio station playing…\u00c2\u00a0 And you can change stations, there’s more worth listening to than on the terrestrial dial (meanwhile, there’s TV too…but we didn’t have time to watch, we were on a MISSION!)<\/p>\n
And although sometimes annoying, because it fucks up your concentration, what comes out of the speakers is UTTERLY HYSTERICAL!\u00c2\u00a0 It’s irreverent and hip in a way big time music is not.\u00c2\u00a0 Like an advertisement for health insurance that says after you reach a $10,000 deductible, all your future expenses are FREE!<\/p>\n
The game respects the player.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s not dumbed-down like "American Idol".\u00c2\u00a0 It’s not two-dimensional like music.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s like "The Simpsons" or "South Park"…why is it only cartoon characters can speak truth in our country?<\/p>\n
It’s everything music used to be.\u00c2\u00a0 A hip cult that the movers and shakers, the moneymen, the rich, the baby boomers, are unaware of.\u00c2\u00a0 While music industryites are lauding commercial possibilities, getting on "Grey’s Anatomy", tying up with the energy drink of the hour, RockStar Games has created an artistic enterprise that NO Fortune 500 company will tie up with.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s just too dangerous.\u00c2\u00a0 And you wonder why kids flock to it?\u00c2\u00a0 Hell, the more you hate it, the more they’re drawn to it!<\/p>\n
Not that a record can’t be broken on GTA IV.\u00c2\u00a0 But there are many stations…\u00c2\u00a0 Repetition is not as incessant as it is on Top Forty.\u00c2\u00a0 The track’s got to be GOOD to catch on.<\/p>\n
I invite you to the world of GTA IV.\u00c2\u00a0 Come on, shed your inhibitions.\u00c2\u00a0 You loved music once…isn’t it time to be stimulated again?<\/p>\n