![\"Ribfest.jpg\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/images\/Ribfest.jpg?resize=320%2C240\")
<\/p>\nI thought I was never going to have sex again.<\/p>\n
Funny how out of town you’ll do shit that you wouldn’t THINK of doing at
home.\u00c2\u00a0 Ribfest?\u00c2\u00a0 SURE!<\/p>\n
There’s some back story here, which I can’t remember.\u00c2\u00a0 Lewi was going on
about this, how it’s a Clear Channel production, but I’m not into sideshow, I’m
into ROCK AND ROLL!<\/p>\n
Not that there isn’t music at Ribfest.\u00c2\u00a0 Shitkickin’ music.\u00c2\u00a0 At least tonight.
\u00c2\u00a0With Jo Dee Messina.\u00c2\u00a0 Thursday and Friday was has-been music.\u00c2\u00a0 Rick
Springfield and Ted Nugent.\u00c2\u00a0 If you want to know where old players go to die,
just hit Ribfest, where they don’t even charge you an ADMISSION fee, the music is
FREE!\u00c2\u00a0 Paid for by Miller Beer and a host of other corporate sponsors.\u00c2\u00a0 That’s the
line of demarcation.\u00c2\u00a0 If you’re taking money to play, SPONSORSHIP money, even
if you’re charging admission, you’ve jumped the shark (what better than a
has-been expression to describe the reality of has-been musicians?)<\/p>\n
But we weren’t there for the music.\u00c2\u00a0 We were there for the ribs.<\/p>\n
The scam is it’s a cash-less event.\u00c2\u00a0 You pay for everything with tickets.\u00c2\u00a0
OVERPRICED tickets.\u00c2\u00a0 You think the public doesn’t know we’re ripping them off?\u00c2\u00a0
That was the second thing my sister told me.\u00c2\u00a0 It was fun, but it was
EXPENSIVE!\u00c2\u00a0 Are there any bargains left in America?\u00c2\u00a0 Any deals?\u00c2\u00a0
Any fair exchanges?\u00c2\u00a0 Every time you go to an event you get ripped off.\u00c2\u00a0
Sports.\u00c2\u00a0 Entertainment.\u00c2\u00a0 The movies.\u00c2\u00a0 People are sick of it.<\/p>\n
But you never get sick of ribs.<\/p>\n
That was the allure.<\/p>\n
We didn’t have barbecue growing up.\u00c2\u00a0 Not THIS kind of barbecue.\u00c2\u00a0 SOUTHERN
barbecue.\u00c2\u00a0 With meat roasted for hours in a pit.\u00c2\u00a0 The closest we came to ribs was
what was served as an appetizer at chinese restaurants.\u00c2\u00a0 But those whetted
our appetites.\u00c2\u00a0 For the real thing.<\/p>\n
Not that I was convinced you could get the real thing here at Ribfest.\u00c2\u00a0
Because the whole thing was so CHEESY!\u00c2\u00a0 With booths flashing banners of events
they’d won that you’d never heard of.\u00c2\u00a0 Sporting trophies that looked like they’d
been barbecued themselves.<\/p>\n
But you’ve got to get into the spirit, you’ve got to give it a try.<\/p>\n
I felt we had to go to the booths with lines.\u00c2\u00a0 That somebody knew something.<\/p>\n
Turns out this was TOTALLY wrong.\u00c2\u00a0 People are sheep.\u00c2\u00a0 They follow the crowd
to mediocrity.\u00c2\u00a0 Whereas the vendors with nobody waiting served the best food.<\/p>\n
We got samplers.\u00c2\u00a0 Three ribs for five tickets.\u00c2\u00a0 Which works out to $8.33.\u00c2\u00a0
Not a deal.\u00c2\u00a0 And not enough food to satisfy either.\u00c2\u00a0 With each of us taking one
rib.<\/p>\n
But after a few joints, our hunger was satiated, we could start playing the
connoisseurs we believe ourselves to be.<\/p>\n
Oh, the Pigfoot ribs were thoroughly cooked.\u00c2\u00a0 And their sauces were heavenly,
ranging from mild to hot.\u00c2\u00a0 AMERICAN hot.\u00c2\u00a0 Which we all know is wimpy.\u00c2\u00a0
Because Americans love their food bland.<\/p>\n
But then we discovered North Carolina BBQ.\u00c2\u00a0 With meat that tasted like it had
been cooking for a week.\u00c2\u00a0 Flaky dry instead of moist.\u00c2\u00a0 With a hot sauce with
pepper seeds that was out of this world.\u00c2\u00a0 I was down with this.\u00c2\u00a0 But Wendy
preferred the ribs of Good Ole Boys, which if you go for the pink stuff, the
slowly roasted but cooked today style, were truly the best.<\/p>\n
And having sampled the wares of so many outlets, we took a break.\u00c2\u00a0 Laid in
the shade of the one extant tree.\u00c2\u00a0 Escaping the Minnesota heat.\u00c2\u00a0 Which is barely
bearable at five p.m.<\/p>\n
But then, fully rested, we strode over to the Howling Coyote emporium.\u00c2\u00a0 For
some pulled pork.<\/p>\n
Enduring a line, since the place had filled up, I decided to sample the
sauces.\u00c2\u00a0 I sauntered over to the giant tubs with fountain dispensers
and found them labeled "Mild", "Pyro" and "Super Pyro".<\/p>\n
What a laugh.<\/p>\n
But just to be sure, I started with the Pyro.\u00c2\u00a0 There’s just something about
that word that put me on guard, that warned me.<\/p>\n
I licked my finger and the world started to spin.\u00c2\u00a0 I had an urge for water
but I knew that this was no help, it would only fuel the fire.\u00c2\u00a0 My tongue, my
lips, they were scorched.\u00c2\u00a0 And the fire was still burning.\u00c2\u00a0 And when it faded, I
made the mistake of licking the remaining remnants from my index finger.<\/p>\n
This is where I went wrong.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s hours later and my lips STILL tingle.\u00c2\u00a0 I
thought I’d have to go to the emergency room.\u00c2\u00a0 I saw no relief.\u00c2\u00a0 Was I the only
one on this trip?\u00c2\u00a0 Did they have a mobile burn unit, ready to deal with hot
sauce poisoning?<\/p>\n
When the pulled pork sandwich arrived I wouldn’t let Fred put ANY sauce on
it, not even mild.\u00c2\u00a0 I was working on some mental theory that the meat and the
bun would dilute the effect, but this was fallacious.\u00c2\u00a0 My lips still burned.\u00c2\u00a0 My
tongue too.\u00c2\u00a0 When they finally started to merely tingle fifteen minutes later
I was so relieved I swore off sauce FOREVER!\u00c2\u00a0 Once burned, FOREVER shy.<\/p>\n
I was done.\u00c2\u00a0 Finished.\u00c2\u00a0 History.<\/p>\n
But before we exited, I had to make one final trip.\u00c2\u00a0 To the loo.<\/p>\n
I strode over to the porta-potty, lowered my pants, whipped out my member,
did my business, shook my unit a few times for good measure and then reinserted
it into my jeans.<\/p>\n
Business done I felt relaxed.\u00c2\u00a0 I hiked over to the NASCAR exhibit for a peek
at the hot rods.\u00c2\u00a0 But when I started walking back to the concourse, to meet
with Wendy and Fred, to get our shit together and go, I started enduring a
strange sensation, a BURNING sensation.<\/p>\n
It flummoxed me.\u00c2\u00a0 Was there something in the lemonade?\u00c2\u00a0 Something that had
entered my urinary tract that was causing such discomfort?<\/p>\n
And then, as my sword started smoldering, as it felt like it was being rubbed
in hot coals, needles inserted all the while, I finally added it up.\u00c2\u00a0 The
Pyro sauce, from Howling Coyote, it had been transferred like a virus, from my
hand to my DICK!!<\/p>\n
The pain wasn’t fading.\u00c2\u00a0 Was the skin here that much more sensitive?\u00c2\u00a0 Where
the sun never shined?<\/p>\n
I’m running the mental scenarios as it feels like flames are raging inside my
pants.\u00c2\u00a0 If I thought water would have worked I would have run into the
Mississippi.\u00c2\u00a0 Maybe someone’s got some hand lotion.\u00c2\u00a0 Can ANYBODY help me?<\/p>\n
Can I TELL anybody?<\/p>\n
Finally I ran into Fred.<\/p>\n
And as I told him my dilemma, my story, my amped-up conundrum, I sank to my
knees, I rolled onto my back, I spread my legs, to make sure my penis touched
not a whit of clothing.\u00c2\u00a0 I told him I couldn’t move, I just had to lie there.<\/p>\n
He chuckled.\u00c2\u00a0 He couldn’t help himself.<\/p>\n
But it was no laughing matter.<\/p>\n
Ten minutes.\u00c2\u00a0 Twenty minutes.\u00c2\u00a0 Was this pain EVER going to subside?<\/p>\n
I didn’t move for half an hour.\u00c2\u00a0 Panicked, just PRAYING that nature would have an antidote, that this searing pain would run its course and I’d be free.<\/p>\n
I’m free now, but it’s hours later and I haven’t let my hand touch my dick since, even though I’ve washed it vigorously a number of times.<\/p>\n
So let this be a warning.\u00c2\u00a0 Pee BEFORE you go to Ribfest.\u00c2\u00a0 And don’t go again
until you’ve come home and SHOWERED!\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n
[Above Right – Wendy and me with the Ribfest mascot.]<\/p>\n
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I thought I was never going to have sex again. Funny how out of town you’ll do shit that you wouldn’t THINK of doing at home.\u00c2\u00a0 Ribfest?\u00c2\u00a0 SURE! There’s some back story here, which I can’t remember.\u00c2\u00a0 Lewi was going on about this, how it’s a Clear Channel production, but I’m not into sideshow, I’m […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-106","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/s96vPs-ribfest","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/106","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=106"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/106\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=106"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=106"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lefsetz.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=106"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}