She was GAS.

If you think sex should be performed under the covers, in the dark, this is not for you.

If you think oral is offensive, this is not for you.

If you think old, faded baseball players who have been to jail are not worth listening to, this is not for you.

But if you want to hear Lenny Dykstra prove he’s the best pussy-eater in the world…YOU’RE IN THE RIGHT PLACE!

I didn’t care a whit about Dykstra. In the same way I don’t care about any athlete. The truth is they’re jocks, they may play well-rounded people on television, but the reality is they’re members of a subculture wherein physicality is everything and you’re constantly jockeying for position. If you haven’t been put down by an athlete, you’ve never spent time in the locker room.

But I did follow Nails’ career. That’s what they called him, because he was just that tough. Back when players had nicknames. Where are the Yogis, Mooses and Catfishes of today?

Nonexistent. Because the players want respect. Andy is now Andrew. Bob is now Robert. How do you know you’re talking to a baby boomer? He’s got a Y at the end of his name!

Anyway, Nails had to retire, his body gave out. He was doctor-shopping, looking for someone to give him a pass, but my orthopedic surgeon said no, Lenny had stenosis, he had to go.

Which he did, he retired and became a financial expert.

I know, I know, LENNY DYKSTRA?

But he had a private jet and they talked about him on CNBC and I don’t know, my father didn’t play the stock market, he believed in real estate, he worked too hard for his money, he was risk averse, and so am I.

But Lenny loves risk. It took him all the way to the bottom, to prison, where he lost all his teeth. And now he talks in this mealy-mouthed fashion in soft tones, he doesn’t come across as a braggart, but his stories are INSANE!

That’s what wannabes don’t understand. They keep imitating those who’ve made it, when the truth is we’re looking for originals. People so whacked and different that we can’t help but pay attention. Train wrecks like Lenny Dykstra.

So, promoting his book on Stern, back in the spring, Lenny told of his sexual exploits. And the truth about Lenny is no one believes him, they think he’s telling tall tales.

So the Stern team decided to put him to the test. They wanted names. And Lenny provided them. That’s right, Howard Stern had on two women who’d been eaten out by Lenny Dykstra.

I told you it was gonna get gross.

Assuming you’re squeamish with sex. Personally, I love to give oral. It’s a gift. The woman is appreciative. And when she comes!! She’s in her own private reverie, it’s astounding to watch. Like Lenny, I’d rather give than receive. Then again, this is not about my own apprehension with getting head. I guess…I feel I’m not worthy, and few know how to do it right. Then again, there was that time Alison blew me on the office floor…

So first Lenny catches Howard up on what has transpired since the publication of his book. Davey Johnson is friendly, they hung at a card show, despite Dykstra calling him a drunk. As for Mickey Rourke, Lenny wants a cage match, a fight to the death, Rourke owes him 30 grand and threatened him on TMZ but Dykstra doesn’t back down, he’s a man’s man, with a sense of theatre, hell, do it pay-per-view, it’ll get him out of his financial hole.

But that’s Lenny, if you cross him, it’s open season. He didn’t mind sharing his blow with DeNiro, but when Bobby ignored him…the tale had to be told.

And the tale today was about eating pussy.

Lenny hired a lesbian so he wouldn’t be tempted. She accompanied him on his book tour, but he couldn’t resist, he ate her out, repeatedly.

And then there was the comedian… The one who was “gas.”

That’s another thing about Lenny, he’s got that jock language, where they have code for everything. It’s fascinating to listen to, because you get the gist but you’ve never heard the words before, kinda like that movie “Heathers,” where they made up all the slang. “Gas” means “hot.”

He took her back to his bungalow…

And made her take a shower.

You see Lenny’s a clean freak.

Everybody’s got their neuroses. But nobody reveals them. Which is what makes Lenny so fascinating. He’s worried about coming. He can’t be in a bathroom at the same time as a woman. Under the skin everybody’s a freak, but you don’t know that until you’re intimate with them. Have you ever gotten a woman to fart in public? Good luck! You’ve got to be in a relationship for that.

So then Lenny starts talking about perfect pussy. How it can’t be “zyzyggy.” If it’s zyzyggy, you can’t shave. As for shaving, I don’t get it whatsoever, that’s part of the thrill for me, the hair. It’s like boobs without nipples, huh? But Lenny’s talking about a 90 degree pussy and I’m straining to visualize this and then Robin interrupts, he means 180 DEGREES! A straight slit! But rather than doubling-down on his mistake, Lenny admits fault, says he was never good at math, and that’s what makes him so lovable. Reveal your flaws, then you’ll be embraced.

And it takes the woman a long time to come, No one ever owns up to this. But Lenny doesn’t get tired. Does he use his fingers? Of course not, that spoils it! Does he ever penetrate?

Yes, but only missionary, he doesn’t do doggy. I mean come on, who can’t love a guy who’s boasting about sex and then says he doesn’t do everything! Like two women at once, it’s a no-go, he can’t focus.

Also, he needs the twenty minutes for the kangaroo to kick in. “Kangaroo”??? What’s that? It’s his personal Viagra, an off-brand item, but when he peeled and revealed, SHE LAUGHED!

“Peeled and revealed,” how does he come up with this stuff? Lenny’s full of catch phrases, and unlike a comedian it doesn’t seem rehearsed. You’re getting a window into a new world, that you can’t stop paying attention to!

You see Lenny Dykstra is good entertainment. Proving, once again, that being yourself is the best road to riches. Hell, in his book Lenny doesn’t say to be like him, unlike Megyn Kelly, writing her tome to inspire others. Hogwash. First and foremost you’re an entertainer. And if you say you’d rather spend time with Megyn as opposed to Lenny…you think you can get into Megyn’s pants, and I doubt that.

So last year at this time, the Stern Show was all about stunting, an endless procession of household names hyping their work. Gets kind of repetitive, not because the star stories are uninteresting, but because their products are. They come and go instantly. But this holiday season, Howard has returned to the hijinks. He may not have strippers on Sybians, but there’s the curious underbelly of life, revealed for all to see.

We all have sex. We all have our preferences, our quirks.

But we never ever talk about it. Not unless we’re bragging. Demonstrate insecurity and you’re punted to the back.

But listening to Lenny Dykstra on Stern was strangely riveting, entering an alternative universe that in some ways was just like your own. That’s the goal of art, to express humanity, to get us to identify. Which is why music and movies are in the dumper, they’re fantasies we can’t relate to.

But human beings, warts and all?

Sign us up for that!

“Lenny Dykstra’s Bedroom Talents Confirmed By Two Women Who Found Out Firsthand Just How Good He Is: Jessica And Jasmine Give Howard All The Details On What Makes Lenny Such A Skillful Lover”