Django Unchained

How’d he come up with this shit?

Yes, I went back to the movies. And once again was confronted by someone who was flummoxed by parking lots. You know the doofus, the person who sits behind the wheel of their SUV, blocking everybody, looking for a space right next to the door so they don’t have to exercise their chubby little legs when there’s a plethora of parking just another floor up…right by the elevator to boot! I mean you don’t even have to be sixteen, you don’t even have to have a driver’s license to know that there’s parking further up or further down, but NO, you’ve got to block traffic while the rest of us wait for you to slide your behemoth into a space exited by a Honda Fit which you have to jockey back and forth to get into.

Drives me fucking nuts.

But not as much as the people texting during the movie.

You left your house and bought a ticket just so you could come to the theatre, a public place, and do exactly what you do at home? And god forbid you tell these people to shut down their screens…you’d think you impinged upon their ability to home school their kids and fire an arsenal of automatic weapons.

And how you could take your eyes off the screen during this flick is beyond me.

Once upon a time, before many of you were born, in the late sixties and early seventies, we went to each other’s houses to play records that had us asking…HOW DID THEY COME UP WITH THIS?

That was not only the essence of Frank Zappa, but Yes and so many trailblazers.

But today everybody’s fighting to be second. YOU innovate, I’ll follow in the path you’ve created.

But was there ever a credible, never mind successful, follower of Alanis Morissette?

“Jagged Little Pill” was so damn honest. Giving head in a theatre? Did that really happen?

But today’s music is safe, just like the playgrounds with rubber mats where the monkey bars have been removed. God forbid little Johnny falls and cries. That would be a disaster!

So after agreeing to be Christoph Waltz’s valet, Jamie Foxx emerges in a shiny blue suit straight from the court of Louis XVI, and over the speakers you here…

JIM CROCE’S “I GOTTA NAME”!

Talk about cognitive dissonance. It’s 1858 and you’re playing a song from the 1970s?

This is the opposite of Spielberg. Tarantino’s not fucking with your eyes, but your ears. Furthermore, he probably discovered the track from its initial use in 1973′s “Last American Hero,” having seen it in the video store where he worked for eons gaining knowledge of the medium. Let’s quiz Justin Bieber on music history… We’ll probably get a big fat DUH! And if you don’t know where you came from, you’ve got no idea where you’re going.

And then there’s Samuel L. Jackson’s turn as Stephen, the black man beholden to the white who runs Leonardo DiCaprio’s household, CANDIELAND! You’re not even sure it’s him. With the limp and the white hair. But what’s most impressive is the intensity. You can see his mind turning, you can feel how he gets everybody in line.

And there are sequences so long that any major studio would cry for cuts. But Tarantino’s on his own trip, only he can execute the vision in his head, remove a smidge and you ruin the whole casserole.

That’s what musical acts don’t realize. Cowrite, change just a little bit, and you’ve lost your essence, what makes you you.

And it’s not like there’s no audience for “Django Unchained.” The flick has already taken in nearly $200 million. Not because it’s mainstream, not because it’s for everybody, but because Quentin Tarantino has a huge fanbase!

Yup, you’re evidencing a milquetoast personality, trying to reach everybody while offending nobody, and as a result, you’ve got little impact. Whereas Tarantino knows it’s about the core. Hell, you’ve got to go to his flicks just to see what he’s up to!

It’s the plot twists, the humor… Like the scene where the wannabe Klan members can’t see through their hoods and the guy whose wife made them is so pissed he abandons the mission.

You literally watch this movie with your mouth agape.

When you’re not laughing profusely.

We don’t care about everybody. We’re not interested in me-too.

We want limit-testers, people not beholden to the system, who don’t shrug their shoulders and say their hands are tied but go off on a wild adventure that we can’t wait to share!

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